[105] ~*Sun – 10/29/17*~

[10:30 pm]

I can’t do this.. to sit here.. it’s just so hard. I was fine up to when I sat in front of the PC and wasn’t really doing anything. I want to be back at mom’s. My eyes are burning, tears are coming. Why is this so hard?! Why is this so much harder than when my dad passed?!

At this moment, I just feel like being with someone, mostly my mom. I should of took tomorrow off and stayed with her. I have my husband but he’s in bed trying to sleep. I know I can go see him but I want to let him sleep, he deserves it. I just don’t know what to do with myself and I really didn’t think I would take it this hard.

So yesterday I went out with my first client, I came back home cause I had about two hours and a half to sleep before going out with my second one. I got home and for some reason I decided to sweep around the steps cause there’s just so much pine needles. I was gonna keep going but told myself I had to go sleep if I wanted to sleep or otherwise I’d just be cleaning outside cause I want to clean those and the leaves. I got to bed and was going to set up some stuff on my farming game before sleeping but then I saw that mom was calling, I just didn’t want to pick up. I wasn’t going to pick up, I wasn’t ready for it. I was going to ignore it and go to sleep cause really, if I wouldn’t of cleaned those pine needles I would of already been asleep and wouldn’t of seen her call. I finally picked up and she was crying which my mom never does. My brother was doing worse and they wanted us at the hospital. My mom had decided she wouldn’t go see him on that day but looks like he had other plans. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I was going to wait for her to get to the hospital and call back but I ended up calling hub at his work in tears. He said he’d be coming back home so we could leave. I called my friend but she wasn’t home. I called the on call to let her know I had to cancel my next client. I was crying so much! I didn’t cry like that for my dad. I know my bro was very sick but I think I wasn’t quite ready as compared to my dad so it was a big hit.

While waiting for hub I couldn’t just sit there. I did the dishes and packed up a bag cause I had a feeling we weren’t gonna come back that night. I prepped some food for the suggies in case we would be staying more than one night and my friend could come feed them. I was letting their food melt a little so it would be easier to get out of the trays and when I got to get them out, I broke one tray. I was then upstairs trying to get some water bottles ready, I kept dropping things. I told my husband to take over cause I was just going to destroy everything. It was just already too much for me. We left and about 20 mins in the drive mom called as she was now at the hospital, she said the doc wanted to meet us both to talk. That really isn’t good! I had brought a book to read but I just couldn’t. When we got to the hospital, I really didn’t wanted to go in. My bother was having a harder time breathing, even on the life support and he had started a fever. The doc finally took us in a room and we had “the talk”, we needed to make the decision. Decision made, 6:30 they unplugged him, 6:46 he went off to meet our dad on the other side. To have to decide to let go of a love one is so damn hard even if you know deep down that it’s the best decision you could possibly make. I mean, 16 minutes on his own and he was gone.

I can’t believe he’s gone, I just can’t. Yesterday morning my mom went to the cemetery and asked my dad to come get him, she didn’t want him to suffer anymore. She got home and 15 mins later, she got the call. As much as it hurts right now, I give my thanks to my dear dad to have come so quick for my brother. They both had a hard life, both very sick and they are now both at peace. I’ve lost my dad a year and a half ago and now my big bro, it’s painful.

I’m writing and I’m losing it. My friend doesn’t know yet that my brother passed as I hadn’t left a voicemail or anything when I called her. I almost want to go see her and cry on her shoulder. It’s late! I know it’s never late for things like this but I should be thinking of going to bed soon as I’m still doing my day of work tomorrow. I just don’t see the point of sitting here crying, it won’t change a thing. He’s gone and we can’t get him back. If I’m working, it will keep my mind busy. I just hope I won’t break down cause it just seems to be way harder than with my dad. I went to work the very next day and I was fine as long as I was doing something. When I would end up alone, I would be crying. So I need to keep myself busy. With my dad I had came back home the same night he passed. With my brother, it was harder for everyone so I stayed a night at my mom. She seems to be doing alright but she cried which I don’t think I’ve seen her do for my dad. She said just like me, that it’s harder for this one cause I think we weren’t 100% ready yet like we were with my dad. I think having to make the decision also made it harder to let go. We pulled the plug yes but he was basically already gone. I honestly don’t think he would of came back from this one. They couldn’t bring him out of the coma and he was getting worse. His life was already hard so what was the point of waiting weeks or months for him to be at least okay to breath without the life support but still be in so much pain each day from everything he had before he went to the hospital. At this point in his life, I don’t know how he didn’t commit suicide. With all the pills he had, he could of. This is a big relief for my mom cause she was so very scared that one day he would. I tip my hat to you big bro, you made it till the end. You lived your life as far as you could and as best as you could. 49 may still be a young age but for you, it was much older than that and you deserve to be at rest now. You and dad both. It’s something I never really said cause it’s just the way our family is but, I love you both so very much.

I want to write down more of my day but I think I will stop here for now and write tomorrow cause I need to calm down. Breath in, breath out. I will watch a show or two to keep my mind busy or at least, try to. I want to reach the phone and call mom. I just really hope that she’s okay with all this as I know it’s even more on her. She has a lot of support so I think she will be just fine. I just really feel bad for leaving, for some reason I really don’t like having her on her own even if she’s stronger than I am.

Big bro, mom was always there for you and she did so much for you in the years so now please watch over her. I shall miss you so very much until the day we meet again. Stay the clown you always were and rest in peace as you deserve it. <3




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