That’s what I think whenever I’m around these guys. Recently, I’ve been having these feelings that I’m not a good person. A nice person. That I’m not the nice person I used to be. Like I’m dirty. I’ve been ignoring that feeling until now. I’ve been feeling more relaxed and accepting of myself. Giving myself permission to do things. Which is why I hang out with Mitchell and his friends. They’re so chill to hang around. They’re upbeat, encouraging and determined. Mitchell is such a positive guy most of the time who can really rile you up in the best of ways. Abdi is the older guy with some life experience enjoying the last years of his 20’s. Nathan is still new to me, but he seems like he has good intentions in the things he does. The thing I enjoy most about hanging out with them is their taste in music and the conversations we have. I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed finding people who really like the songs I listen to and who have great songs that they listen to. I found my people. The conversations are bonkers going from a talk about anarchists to talking about how reality is really the matrix and we’re all just living a lie. My favorite conversations are about introspection. We each share what we’ve been thinking about at some point during our hang outs without feeling judged. I’m not tense when I’m with them. It’s refreshing having friends who actually want to have fun instead of just gossip about some unknown celebrity or coworker. I’ve finally made good friends I think. Wholesome guys (at times) who enjoy life. It really is a breath of fresh air for me.
You know what gives me mixed feelings? The thought of having to give myself permission. No, the fact that I need permission. I don’t want to need permission, but for now I think the best course of action is to accept that I need permission and at the same time to give myself permission.
Oh, I’m listening to a mix playlist on youtube and Fade Into You by Mazzy Star just started and man the feelings this song gives me. It’s romantically bittersweet. The kind that hurts your heart when you hear it. If anyone reads this I suggest checking it out. If you like it I recommend checking out Into Dust as well. Prepare your heart is all I’ve got to say.