Day 5/6- History was Made

Health:

Appetite- Present

Weight- 185 lbs

Dream:

None, was too stressed to sleep on both nights. 

Yesterday:

I woke up repeating to myself that I loved myself more than I loved her. I loved my organization more than her. I needed to be strong for this event. However, the second she walked in through that door, I started to suffocate. When I finally finished my part of setup, I told everyone I needed to take a walk. I didn’t want to be in the same room as her. 

Luckily, before I stepped out, one of my best friends walked through the door. He introduced me to his girlfriend of 7 years, and I asked them if they’d like to join me on my walk. During my walk, I opened up to them. My friend was a close friend of my ex too. He told me the story of the time he and his gf broke up. Very similar circumstances and reasons.

His advice to me was basically “When two people are mad at each other, it only takes one to stop being mad and fix everything.” Apparently, throughout the event, my ex opened up to them too. 

The event had a low turnout. I was feeling like a failure. My friend took me to lunch and had another heart to heart with me. He told me, “Look man, everyone in there is having a blast. Don’t beat yourself up.” He was right, the event didn’t have a lot of people, but each person had a ton of fun. The event was a success. Next, he told me “Also, I talked to your ex. You’re both annoyed with each other, but you also still love each other.” He summed up how she was coping and grieving and I was devastated. She wasn’t moving on at all. He told me to confront her and I told him I’d think about it.

When I got back to the event. I was feeling really good. I started socializing, playing, and dancing with everyone. My ex took notice and started getting devastated. She went to my friend’s gf and started talking to her again. After my friend left, my ex moved onto one of her friends. They had a serious look on their faces and made many quick glances towards me. My ex was getting visibly red in the face and she couldn’t sit still. Next thing I know, she’s crying. She excuses herself to go to the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later. She tells my vice president she isn’t feeling well and she goes home afterwards. Later, I learned that she cried herself to sleep. She didn’t show up the next day. 

At the end of day 1, everyone is telling me to confront her. I start thinking really hard about it on my way home, but I’m too exhausted to think straight. I end up crashing the second I got home and woke up for day 2. 

Today:

Day 2, I woke up feeling good. Day 1 was a success and day 2 would be a lot better. To my genuine surprise, she didn’t show up on day 2. Apparently she has a “high fever.” I spend the event thinking about confronting her. What will I say? What do I expect from it? Blah blah blah. I ended up not confronting her. I’m gonna stick to the plan. 3 more weeks of no contact. I already saw the effects of me functioning normally on her. The more me I become, the more she’ll miss me. 

Where am I?

I’m fine right now. I’m moving on. I’ve got to find myself again and function like myself again. The more I do that, the more she’ll miss me. The more I do that, the more I’ll be ok without her around. 3 more weeks. Maybe she’ll break no contact after 3 more weeks. Let her grieve her heart out while I fall in love with myself again. Right now, I have to remind myself that she’s the one that has to break no contact. SHE IS THE ONE THAT HAS TO BREAK NO CONTACT. That’s where I am right now. 

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