alright i am now 100% sure that i am out of my fucking mind, besides being completely stupid.
how do i get myself into these situations?
i totally fucked up and im just bracing for the shit storm that i will probably have to deal with. well, despite ayato’s girlfriend telling him that she doesn’t want him hanging out with me, we were hanging out last night. i told him beforehand that i was fine with respecting her wishes, and i didnt want to cause any problems between them so we shouldn’t hang out anymore. but he kept texting me out to go drinking last night, i finally gave in and we ended up at a club in downtown san francisco. we both got shit faced druuuuuunk. i dont even remember how we got home, i just remember telling the uber driver to help us get back to berkeley. he stays at my place because he’s fucking gone, he can’t even stand up without falling over everything and then he just passed out on the couch. i didnt even make it to the bed, i fell asleep on the floor. this morning we both wake up hung over AF.
fast forward to this afternoon and we’re watching a movie in the living room, and ayato turns his phone off because his girlfriend kept calling every hour. AT THIS POINT I’M THINKING: HE’S A GROWN MAN, I’M NOT GOING TO PREACH TO HIM WHAT HE SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT DO. HE KNOWS. well we’re watching a movie, talking, laughing, etc. and we start to kiss. fuckkkkkkkkk. he pulls me on top of him and we’re making out. and he starts to grind my hips on him. so i tell him ‘i dont want to do anything, you have a girlfriend.’. well his response to that was basically okay you don’t need to do anything, but i will. And. . . well he ate me out. and i kinda sorta let him. fuckkkkk i know im stupid. afterwards i was pretty much like, “you gotta go”. lol. because i knew he was just trying to butter me up so he could fuck me. christ.
i know i fucked up so majorly. i know its wrong. BUT in my defense, i dont want him. i think he’s super hot, he looks like andy biersack minus the white trash tattoos so ill be honest ive been wanting him. but i dont want him besides his body. what im trying to say is that i had no intention of ‘seducing’ him or stealing him from his girlfriend. i dont want to date him. just carnal lust. and HE is the one with the girlfriend, if he doesn’t want her or if he does it’s still not my business. i acknowledge that with men, its not where they’re at its where they want to be.
fuck. i am so stupid.
maybe we can pretend like this never happened? lol. shit.