Begin Again

I started keeping an online journal when I was about 15. I kept it for almost a decade, and then the website was taken down during the time that my computer crashed, so I had no way of downloading another backup copy. I lost years of self-exploration and expression. It makes me nauseous to think about it. We all have a need for self expression.

Lately, I feel that I need to express things that I think about. That’s all this is. When I was younger, I felt the need to tell my story because I was fascinated with myself. The shine has worn off for me over the years, though. Now, my motivation is more external. I think my words can help people…some of them at least.

When I kept an online journal before (my beloved,) even though I started it for myself, it ended up helping others. I’ve always had a knack for verbalizing the ineffable. I’m hoping I still have it.

As I’ve become more aware of the world around me, I’ve noticed how inauthentic so much of it is. Fake tv personalities. Fake co-workers. Fake strangers. Fake people, everywhere. And, of course, there are no absolutes. Of course, there are people who are genuine. But, I have a strong background in psychology and linguistics. I understand a great deal about motivations and the way people communicate with each other. I understand a lot about personality and the creation of self. And, I see this stuff in action everywhere.

It is natural to present a picture to others. We do it without thinking. Different people bring out different aspects of our self. But, sometimes, we get caught up in that presentation. Sometimes, we become that presentation. “Fake it until you make it,” is a thing. It can actually happen. And, sometimes, we smother important parts of ourselves in this process. So, my goal with this, is to be free. To not be smothered. To create something real. To…express.

We are conditioned by society to suppress certain emotions. There is a set of unspoken guidelines about what is and isn’t acceptable in the realm of emotional expression, in the realm of self expression. I want to push that line, the one between what is acceptable and what is unacceptable, fiddle with it. And, in so doing, I hope to encourage others to do so as well. We shall see what happens with this. Truth can be a dangerous, unpleasant thing. Perhaps, it is a noble quest to seek it out after all.

And so, I begin again.

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