Breakdown or Awakening?

Yesterday was my 31st birthday. I never really cared for my birthday. I think society made this day significant when in reality it’s just another ordinary day. Anyway, my close friend wanted to celebrate it so she invited me to drive to NYC to meet her. I honestly wanted to just stay home, do homework, catch up on my shows, or go for a run with my dog. I dragged myself to a car and drove. It took 2.5 hrs due to constructions and shitty drivers causing accidents. I finally reach her place. We waited for our other friend and when she arrived all three of us went out for sushi in a fancy place. The conversation was just another banal conversation: “What’s new? What are you up to? Any boyfriends? Who do you fuck? What do you eat? When do you shit?” and so on, meaningless BS. I’m so tired of these conversations. I don’t want to hear what kind of yoga poses you can do. I want to hear what those yoga poses awakened in you, what emotions are you experiencing, are they helping you to fight the inner demons. I don’t give a shit in what fancy places you go dine, I don’t want to fucking hear your stupid debate whether you should order another roll because you can’t tell if you are full or not. Though then if you over eat you will feel yourself like a filthy pig, but you guess it’s fine, you could always fucking starve yourself tomorrow by fasting to make sure that your butt and stomach won’t grow bigger. Anyway, fancy dinner was over. I wanted to pay for everything, they fought me and insisted they would cover the check. It made me upset for some reason. I don’t know I just really wanted to pay, maybe I wanted to apologize to them, by paying the bill, for tolerating my misery, the fact that I no longer have interest in their fancy NYC lives. I am thankful that they invited me and paid for dinner. But I can’t help myself to think that they did this not to truly celebrate my birthday, but used my birthday as an excuse to go stuff their bellies in a fancy place and talk about their “interesting, exciting” lives. On our walk back I had a breakdown. I was fighting tears and I told them that I have no fucking interest. They decided that what I needed is to get drunk. How’s drinking going to fucking help me? I wanted to leave NYC and be alone with my own thoughts and figure out what’s happening with me, what next step should I take. My close friend was insisting that I should stay and learn yoga breathing exercises because that would help me to deal with my depressive thoughts. She thinks I’m spending too much time alone and that’s making me lose my mind. But the more I spend time alone and digging deeper into my inner world, the more I start to understand that there’s so many bullshit in this world that I want to avoid. I just want to get away from civilization, live in the middle of nowhere, connect with nature and live in peace and serenity. The only time I feel so complete is when I’m hiking alone, feeling the assurance of soil beneath my soles, hearing the conversations of trees, touching the sturdiness and pride of rocks, enjoying the enveloping warm hug of the sun, and gentle touches of the wind…

I drove home the same night. The further I got away from NYC, the better I felt. My breathing was more easy and free. I didn’t have the urge to cry. I felt calmer. Driving through Merrit Parkway alongside the array of trees was peaceful. I almost was able to hear the trees whispering harmoniously to me: “We feel you.”

One thought on “Breakdown or Awakening?”

  1. Mmm, banal conversation. I have a theory about that. I think that some people are just shallow and unaware, but others are just afraid to speak out. Some people are “people pleasers” to the point that they don’t want to risk offending or alienating others with untested conversation topics. Tis sad. It is one of the reasons I am drawn to online diaries, I guess. I am a bit of a truth-seeker. Banal conversation doesn’t really do much for me, either. Nice entry 🙂

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