Day 8- Halloween Relapse

Health:

Appetite- Not Present

Weight- 185 lbs

Dream:

What a dream. My aunt was mysteriously murdered and was communicating with me in my sleep. She was telling me to solve the mystery. The neighbors were being surprisingly friendly with my family throughout all of this and my family members kept dying. Turns out they were the murderers, but that isn’t the point of the dream. During the end of my dream, it was just me and my sister left. We were being chased down by a train and a vision came to me from my aunt. “Sacrifice yourself and you’ll find the answers.” I told my sister I loved her and got hit by the train.

I found myself in this bright and mystical land named “Nyma.” My aunt was there. “Here in Nyma, we study time.” I was incredibly confused. The last thing I remember her saying was ” You can’t speed up or slow down time. Time heals all wounds. But in order for them to heal, you have to go through the pain. The pain is what defines your humanity. The pain is beautiful.”

My sister woke me up because I was tossing and turning violently and talking in my sleep. The first thing I said to her was “Fuck time.”

Today:

Waking up after a dream like that had me in tears. I concluded it was my subconscious finally accepting that time will heal my pain. It was my subconscious reminding me I was human and that I have to go through this pain to become a better person. 

I ran errands with my mom again, this time, I slept through everything. I was exhausted and the pain in my chest was intense. I got home around 3:00pm and I had to fix my car’s flat tire. I took it to the shop and messaged my friend about the dream. Just recollecting made me tear up. 

After getting my car fixed, I sat on my computer playing hearthstone and reading /r/ExNoContact thinking about my ex. I even posted a rant. Basically, it kills me knowing that she’s going through this pain and that she has no one to turn to. 

Today is Halloween. A week before the breakup, she promised me she’d go trick or treating with me. Last year, she went with me and she had an amazing time. That memory kept replaying in my mind over and over again. It hurt a lot. To keep up with family tradition, I dressed up in my shark costume and went to Chipotle with my family. While eating, I couldn’t stop thinking about how my ex was “idle” on discord. I told my sister to check snapchat to see if she had a story. I was worried she was getting drunk at a party.

After my sister told me that she had no story, I remembered something very clear about my ex. She’s antisocial and she hates parties. Her antisocial personality plus her computer still being on leads me to believe she slept throughout the day. Maybe she’s remembering Halloween last year. Maybe she remembered she was supposed to go Trick or Treating with me. She’s in pain. I’m in pain. This year’s Halloween was depressing.

Where am I?

Tomorrow, I have therapy. I’m looking forward to it. Right now, I’m lost in my emotions and dealing with the pain. I don’t want to feel this way anymore and I don’t want to cling onto false hope that my ex will pick herself back up and reach out to me. But I am… because i’m human. That excuse won’t last very long, but that’s where I am. 

Leave a Comment:

SCROLL TO TOP