Seeing the light

Sometimes in life, trusting in God means seeing the light when it doesn’t feel like there is any. Here I am. I go through good phases and bad phases, but I guess that’s just life for ya. Turns out, being a senior in high school, having your driver’s license, taking college classes, and doing your own taxes doesn’t not mean you know what love is. Being a “grown up” doesn’t mean I know what I’m doing. I’m 17. I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I thought I knew what love was. But I guess I was wrong. Turns out caring too much is a problem I have. When the person you’re with doesn’t care as much as you do, it’s hard to comprehend that maybe, just maybe, you care too much. 

Well this is my life right now. Over the summer, I had the best relationship I’ve ever had. It was almost too good to be true..I should have taken the hint then that it wouldn’t last. Never before had I connected so well with someone. Never had I felt such strong feelings for someone who felt the same way. Summer Love is what I would call it and it was wonderful. I wouldn’t change a thing. This boy made me realize that it was okay for me to be happy. But, like most good things that have happened to me in life, it didn’t last. The last few weeks were difficult. We fought, usually over little things, but then over gradually bigger things. It ended peacefully, an agreement to be just friends, but things didn’t get better. I started to heal, started to get over it. It’s been about a month now since we split and I thought I was doing okay. What I failed to mention previously is this: we’d talked about getting back together. Up until a week ago, we’d made plans to sit down and talk things out. Alas, this did not happen. I found out the reason why from a friend at chorus rehearsal earlier this evening.

She told me that he’d slept with some girl after the football game. I shouldn’t have been upset. I mean, we weren’t together. He had every right to do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted. But it pierced through my heart and the feeling is something I’ve never felt.  It’s agonizingly painful to think that someone I knew so well is a complete stranger to me now. 

From here, I continue to live. It’s just a relationship, just a boy, just a broken heart. It will all be alright in the end. I trust that God has a plan for me and he has the right boy picked out. Someone created just for me that will treat me the way I need to be treated. When I find him, it will be good. It will be everything I’ve ever hoped for and I will finally be happy with someone. Until then, I’ve got myself. I have close friends. I have my family. I have people I can count on to hold me up when I can’t do it myself. Until I find the boy that God has for me, I have me and that’s enough. 

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