I think what upsets me the most is that you say you don’t want to lose me, and I believe that but you’re still capable of doing it. I’m not capable of saying goodbye to you. Like we talked about though, you handle this differently than me which is why it’s so hard for me to believe that you care as much as you claim to. I can’t go a day without you, that’s how it should be with your soulmate. You’re clearly able to do that.
You’ve said a million times that you don’t have a choice with this. At the end of the day you did have a choice, and you didn’t choose me. You chose to stick with what you know instead of starting over and heading into the unknown with me. I get it. But I made that choice because I had faith in us. Now I believe I made the wrong choice as well. At the end of the day, you CAN be with me. You just enjoy the life you have too much. Even though you won’t admit that to me. You never planned on doing this long term with me. I was just a fling to kill time. Sure you fell in love with me but the second you realized you were never going to leave Jana for me you should have ended it. Please stop blaming us not being together on the baby, we both know there is more to it than that. You just don’t want to struggle. And honestly, you still love Jana.
You keep saying that I’m not ready to be a step mom. You’re so wrong. I barely knew Anthony and I loved him. Same with Gavin. I loved them because they are important to you. I can handle being a step mother. Don’t ever use that as an excuse. I would deal with anything that comes with being with you. One day you’ll realize that.
I just hope that by the time you realized letting me go was a mistake that it’s not too late. Because I’m letting go. I have to. You’ve hurt me in so many ways. All the lying and broken promises have killed me. There is only so much chasing after you that i can do. I’m done. I have to be. But I’ll always hope that someday soon you’ll call me and tell me that you left, that you can’t do this without me. Deep down inside I know that won’t happen. That breaks my heart even more. You can have me forever if you truly wanted that. I don’t regret loving you, but I do regret not letting you go sooner. I would have saved myself the added pain of dragging this out. But I love you and I didn’t want to admit to myself that we would never be together.