Beauty From Pain

I’m feeling empty and almost like I just don’t have a clue who I am. I literally honestly feel like I am the worst person in the world and I consider the reasons why a few times in the day every day. I just can’t help it, the question of who am I and the most tormenting question for me AM I A BAD PERSON bothers me constantly really. People probably wouldn’t believe this is always in my head all the time and they’d think why would someone live like this, why would they torment themselves like this but it’s because these questions really bother me endlessly and of course I obviously can be sure that I am not the sanest of people. You don’t slash yourself to pieces and take countless numbers of overdoses for fourteen years of your life because you’re perfectly alright.

I have been spending A LOT of money on rubbish that I don’t need at all. I don’t even know why I bothered to go on these mini shopping binges, I don’t even like some of the stuff I’ve bought that much and I just feel horribly guilty. I am so spoiled and have too much! So I filled up a charity bag that had been posted through the letterbox from the NSPCC. The very bloated bag is now outside waiting to be picked up tomorrow. I’ve had enough of myself. I’m never gonna find myself by endlessly buying pointless stuff, in fact I think it’s making it harder to find myself. I’m never buying anything I don’t need ever again. Charity bags circulate very often so I’ll be watching out for them and getting rid of all the stupid, pointless excess I just don’t need.

The one thing I can be sure of when I’m feeling like I don’t really know who I am is what music I love. Obviously I always know what music I love and that is one of the reasons why it is so important to me.

As you can tell I am having a hard time. I’m extremely tired all the time, even after a decent nights sleep and am not really eating properly…sometimes I don’t bother to eat till it’s after two in the afternoon…and it doesn’t bother me, I don’t care but I know I should care.

The way my life is is bothering me…didn’t….couldn’t complete my education, was told not to get any paid work, wasn’t allowed to live on my own, on benefits, living with my parents who have both been seriously ill, waiting for council housing where the waiting list runs into years, father of my child and his family don’t want to have anything to do with me and took me to court where I was judged on my mental health history and accused of harming my own child when there wasn’t even any actual evidence for it and Harry’s dad himself hadn’t even expressed any concerns about it. My lack of experience and lack of university level qualifications means I’ll be seldom considered as an employee for anything at all…that and the fact I need the toilet every 20-30 minutes because I have overactive bladder and that I could kill myself if any of the other employees/employers were mean to me or whatever. I’m just a pathetic joke.

Harry is fine by the way, he is doing well. I keep telling myself that despite all I’ve talked about here it can never be that bad if Harry is growing up so happy and energetic. That really is the main thing that I try to concentrate on right now. It gets me through. There are certainly reasons not to give into my addictions.

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