Day 9- Time is my Friend?


Appetite- Somewhat there

Weight- 185 lbs


I believe I had a dream and forgot about it quickly. Wasn’t relevant. I think there was a gorilla in it. 


Today was my intake appointment for therapy. To my surprise, while telling the story, I still choked up and cried at the part where she asked me “what if I regret?” The pain is still there. Why wouldn’t it be?

Therapist doesn’t do much. Just reaffirms what I already knew. Time will heal it all. Nothing I can say or do will change free will. I’m slowly coming to terms with it. Funny thing though, I had a sudden realization while retelling this story to my mom. Pieces are falling into place naturally. The girl that comforted me during the event last week is volunteering again for the event this week. She wants to be my assistant.

Let me reiterate, I DID NOT PLAN OR PLOT THIS AT ALL. This girl as my assistant will have her seated next to me the entire event. My ex will definitely get jealous. Maybe it’ll be enough to break her pride. Maybe it’ll be enough to get her to move. This play will force her into a corner, and every possible outcome shows me which direction she’s going. However… Why does it matter?

It doesn’t. Another realization I had while showering was that she lied to me. A lot. She has a lot to change and petty jealousy isn’t gonna make our relationship better.  Don’t get me wrong, I still love and care about her. But man, she was unfair to me. 

Back to the plan. I told everyone during the discord meeting that she was volunteering. Everyone was cool with it, except for the ex. She hung up discord so fast, I almost laughed. The funny thing about this girl though, she’s a long term friend of the officers. I’ve met her years ago and she’s close to pretty much everyone except my ex. 

Anyway, the main goal of this unintentional plan is to break my ex’s pride. If nothing happens, then so what? If she fights fire with fire, so what?  If she wants to talk to me, then I’ll tell her to think whatever she’s thinking through before talking to me, and then confront me again after the event. 

Where am I?

I’m at a crossroads again. I’m starting to not romanticize the relationship and I’m starting to see everything as it is. Whether it’s temporary or not, this is very valuable insight. On the other hand, this plan makes me very happy. It’s not manipulative or malicious in anyway, because if my ex and I were still together, roles would’ve been reversed. My ex would be my assistant and this girl would be doing something else. It’s the way all of these pieces aligned. Time and karma seem to be working alongside with me now, and it’s kind of beautiful. However, I’m unsure if I want her back anymore. That’s where I am. 

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