I miss you. To be honest, I miss you more than just a friend. I’m writing this letter a little too early than expected. I told myself I’d write this letter before the year ends when I’m still not over you. It’s November and I don’t think I’ll be over you in a month or 2 from now. I don’t know honestly why I had to write this letter, I think it’s because it’s about time I move on, I know you have. You seem happy, that’s good. I’m happy for you and that’s all I ever wanted. I noticed you’re seeing someone. I hate it. I don’t have any place to say this but I hate it. I hate you. It’s not your fault but I really hate you!
Do you know why we broke up? Because you needed me so badly that I didn’t feel like you actually wanted me, just me, you know? For the longest freaking time, I felt that it was my fault. Until now I sort of feel it’s me still. I blame myself that I never understood you, that I couldn’t give you what you needed even if you told me you needed me I felt like there was something missing. I wanted you to be with me. That’s all I ever really felt. I loved you and I wanted to be with you. I had law school and it was hard and I needed the support but even if you couldn’t give it to me, I still wanted to be with you. That’s the love we should have, right? That’s what you should have…
I didn’t break up with you for me only. I broke up with you for you also. You were depressed, clinically but you felt like I was the only one who could fix it… was it my fault I couldn’t? I’m not empathetic, nor compassionate. That’s my fault and I’m so sorry. But you needed help, not me. You needed time to figure out that you could survive on your own… without me. Now that you’re seeing someone, that’s not me. Now that you’re happy and successful and thriving without me… I hate it. I hate you! I struggled through it all. I suffered through it all… how come now that you don’t need me, you don’t want me anymore. All I ever wanted, this WHOLE FREAKING YEAR was for you to want me, not need me. I hate that word. Need. I felt so useless and irrelevant to you because I couldn’t be what you “needed”. It’s such a trigger word. I gave you everything but there was always something missing. Or something was always wrong about me i guess. Now that you’re happy, you don’t need me anymore, and just as well you dont want me anymore. Why’d you have to find someone else? Why is it that for me, it’s still you? Every freaking night I would think of you just holding me, telling me you loved me. All I ever wanted was for you to just want me and not need me. For you to realize that you could do ANYTHING you wanted on your own, without me, but I’ll be by your side supporting you either way. I guess I failed at that also didn’t I?
I hate that I’m still yours but you’re not mine. I hate that I miss you terribly that it hurts so much. I hate that I stalk you and that’s why I needed to block you in everything. I hate that I have to think about you every night just so I can fall asleep. I hate that you still make me cry. I hate that I still love you so much. I hate that I dream about us still. I hate that it hurts and that I can’t stop blaming myself for everything. But most of all I really really hate that I know why we broke up. I know that it was still the right thing to do at that time.
I cursed at you. Im so sorry. I made you feel so bad, im so so sorry. Here I am telling you how terribly crazy of an ex I am after EVERYTHING I did to you. You remember that night? You were begging me to stay and I kissed you and told you I felt nothing. I lied. I felt everything, I wanted you to grab me. Like the movies? And kiss me and not let go. All I ever wanted was for you to want me and not need me. I wished you would climb up my balcony, knock at my door and tell me you didn’t care and that you’d love me still. I hated the begging and the crying and the pleading and kneeling. I just wanted you to want me. After everything we’ve been through, after all of this… all I ever wanted was for you to want me not need me.
Now, I’m writing this letter to tell you everything. For me mostly, cuz I want to let go. I cant keep waiting for you. Not that it’s your fault but maybe it’s not meant to be. The fact that I told you about this shows that you were never gonna give me what I’ve always wanted from you. And that’s not fair on your part. That’s so selfish of me to want something you’re not supposed to give. You should be with someone who deserves the love you can give and the same for me. I’m glad you’re with someone now. I hate you though, but at least one of us has moved on and right now I have no other choice but to move on also. I’m done. I’m done waiting and hoping. I’m done with this. You’re a good part of my life and you taught me a lot but it’s time for me to just start 2018 right. Whatever happens. If I fail law school, which I hope I won’t, if we never see each other again or whatever else bad thing that happens. I’ll start anew. I won’t cry about you anymore, about us. Tapos nako dun. I’m so tired of missing you and hoping to see you.
It’s not your fault, please know that. You don’t deserve me. I treated you poorly and I cursed at you. That’s something you can never forgive me for. We were so tired of each other. and I’m sorry for the last time.
I love you. Or maybe loved. Hopefully loved. Yes maybe just loved by now.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
From the girl who never fails to dance under the rain