Appetite- There, just full easily
Weight- 185 lbs
I didn’t sleep well at all last night.
I tried going to class today, but the anxiety still got the best of me. I ended up napping in my car for 2 hours. When I woke up, I decided to get some work done in the engineering hall, so I went. I opened my laptop and pulled out my chemistry textbook. I found myself regretting the plan I pushed for yesterday. “I’m being immature” and “I’m being destructive” kept repeating in my mind. I couldn’t take it. I messaged my vice president what time he was coming to campus. I knew he was having a rough week, so maybe we could use each other right now.
After completing all my work, I headed to the library to meet up with my VP. He was in a game of league. After his game, we walked to Cafe Rio and talked about his strife. His team disbanded, he felt like a failure, and he was just overwhelmed with school. I’m in a similar boat. I gave him my words of inspiration and told him stories of my leadership struggles. It helped him immensely.
When it was my turn to talk, he surprisingly agreed with me. “You’re not being destructive or manipulative. This all would’ve happened regardless of you guys dating and how she reacts is not your fault.” That made me feel better. I still couldn’t help but think “Why am I doing all of this? Do I even want her back?”
After our talk, I went back to my car and drove to church. I needed strength and guidance once again. While kneeling in church, a wave of clarity hit me. “No matter what happens tomorrow, you have to be honest with yourself. No ego, no pride, no games… just honesty.” It rang in my head like my prayers have been answered. I just have to be honest tomorrow.
Once I got home, I was alone. My mom was getting her hair done, my sister was in school, and the rest of my family was at work. I decided to finally watch Bruce Almighty. The reason why I felt the need to watch this movie was because I know that Bruce himself screwed over his relationship, but got her back in the end. I remembered that Bruce sent signs her way and she took it all the wrong way. The movie taught me a few things. In the end, we can’t affect free will. Also, time heals all wounds. They got back together not because Bruce manipulated things with his divine power, but they got back together because he understood that he was selfish and let go. Once he accepted that he had to move on, she came back.
I cried a lot throughout the comedy. It hit close to home several times, but I’m glad I watched it. I spent the rest of the day playing hearthstone and talking to friends.
Where am I?
I’m scared of tomorrow. I’m scared of seeing her. I know that I just have to be honest with myself and everything that’s going on, but what happens if she plays games on me? I have to be strong in my resolve. I’m scared because I don’t have my vice president to depend on. I’m scared that I still won’t be strong enough. But most of all, I’m scared because I had no control over this plan. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but my gut is telling me something will. I might be hurt again or I might get clarity. I have to be the president again tomorrow. I hope this time, I’m stronger. That is where I am.