This isn’t a good start but…

I’m starting this as outlet that I currently can’t seem to find in anything else. I have a written journal. However, putting pen to paper, I feel the need for perfection. My handwriting starts to look messy? I scrap the whole thing. So, I bottle it up over and over again. It’s hard to dislike typing. There is something relaxing about the clicking of the keys.

And so here I sit, the glow of the computer screen inviting me to stay up a while longer. I have A LOT on my mind and I could pour it all out at once, but that wouldn’t do anything for me.

Let’s start…here.

I have made the decision that it is time to say ‘goodbye’ to my sweet boy Selznick. He’s my 18 year old cat, who is suffering from a nasal tumor and it is metastasizing rather quickly now. Over the course of his life Selznick has had bouts of sinus infections. Antibiotics usually do the trick and life is good again for, well, a couple months. Then another round. Something clicked and I decided that he needed to be re-examined by the doctor. The doctor said he was in great health for his age other than the sinus issues. He assured me that I need not to worry, unless Selznick started showing particular symptoms. Facial deformity, bloody nose/snot, loss of appetite, disoriented when walking or moving, starts to change his behavior with me or my husband. My mind was eased as we left the office with a round of antibiotics. Much cuddling ensued. 

One month later I saw the first symptom: blood in Selznick’s snot. I immediately called the doctor and his assistant told me to monitor it and if it progressed to let them know but a little blood was nothing to be concerned about. 

A week passed. Selznick’s right eye began to water profusely, which it had never done before. I kept any eye on it and the bloody nose. And then not even a week after that, his eye began to show signs of swelling and displacement. Pressure from the tumor is very apparent now. 

Three out of seven symptoms. While the percentage is low, the severity of each has increased. He still LOVES to eat, be held and moves around as he usually does. However, more slowly that normal. I noticed today that he has a hard time hearing and seeing me when I call his name. He looks around for a moment until I make a waving motion to capture his full attention. 

My heart is shattering. No one should ever have to make arrangements to have a pet put to sleep. It’s just not fair. Alas, I must do whats best for my boy. He doesn’t deserve to be in pain. He deserves to live his best life while he can. And sadly, that is coming to a close. 

So, I type this, weeping and smearing tears around my face, knowing that it’s the right thing to do but wanting so badly to be selfish and never let him go.

Tomorrow I will make the call. 

Until next time-

Me

4 thoughts on “This isn’t a good start but…”

  1. Your Journal entry brought tears to my eyes. You love your cat so much and you have taken such excellent care of him. He’s had a long, good life. He will be allright when he lets go this life. It is not the end. People think it sounds strange to say animals go to heaven, but they do. Especially loved and loving ones. He will get just a gentle shot and then stepover into Heaven where he will be well and able to play with other animals and children. Psalm 36:6 I am pretty sure is the reference for this verse:
    “Both man and beast thou savest O Lord.” I hope this comforts you dear one..

  2. Thank you both for your responses. It truly helps to have support from others. This morning I made him a special breakfast in bed, bacon and applesauce, and he’s loving it. Deep breaths and lots of snuggles today and tomorrow.
    – Much love

  3. Sorry to hear about your beloved cat. You are doing the kind thing. I don’t think vets actually say that it is time to think about letting them go…. When my cat was in kidney failure and losing weight, the vet would suggest taking her and giving IV fluids to boost her appetite. After awhile, I began to realize that this could go on and on for months. She was 18 and I just knew it was time. I stayed with her right up til the end and held her as she passed away. Over the rainbow as some people might say. Your kindness is being with him and giving him a wonderful life. So sorry.

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