I’m starting this as outlet that I currently can’t seem to find in anything else. I have a written journal. However, putting pen to paper, I feel the need for perfection. My handwriting starts to look messy? I scrap the whole thing. So, I bottle it up over and over again. It’s hard to dislike typing. There is something relaxing about the clicking of the keys.
And so here I sit, the glow of the computer screen inviting me to stay up a while longer. I have A LOT on my mind and I could pour it all out at once, but that wouldn’t do anything for me.
I have made the decision that it is time to say ‘goodbye’ to my sweet boy Selznick. He’s my 18 year old cat, who is suffering from a nasal tumor and it is metastasizing rather quickly now. Over the course of his life Selznick has had bouts of sinus infections. Antibiotics usually do the trick and life is good again for, well, a couple months. Then another round. Something clicked and I decided that he needed to be re-examined by the doctor. The doctor said he was in great health for his age other than the sinus issues. He assured me that I need not to worry, unless Selznick started showing particular symptoms. Facial deformity, bloody nose/snot, loss of appetite, disoriented when walking or moving, starts to change his behavior with me or my husband. My mind was eased as we left the office with a round of antibiotics. Much cuddling ensued.
One month later I saw the first symptom: blood in Selznick’s snot. I immediately called the doctor and his assistant told me to monitor it and if it progressed to let them know but a little blood was nothing to be concerned about.
A week passed. Selznick’s right eye began to water profusely, which it had never done before. I kept any eye on it and the bloody nose. And then not even a week after that, his eye began to show signs of swelling and displacement. Pressure from the tumor is very apparent now.
Three out of seven symptoms. While the percentage is low, the severity of each has increased. He still LOVES to eat, be held and moves around as he usually does. However, more slowly that normal. I noticed today that he has a hard time hearing and seeing me when I call his name. He looks around for a moment until I make a waving motion to capture his full attention.
My heart is shattering. No one should ever have to make arrangements to have a pet put to sleep. It’s just not fair. Alas, I must do whats best for my boy. He doesn’t deserve to be in pain. He deserves to live his best life while he can. And sadly, that is coming to a close.
So, I type this, weeping and smearing tears around my face, knowing that it’s the right thing to do but wanting so badly to be selfish and never let him go.
Tomorrow I will make the call.
Until next time-