Appetite- Absent again
Weight- 185 lbs
I barely slept.
Yesterday during setup, a few people socialized with me loudly thanking me for throwing this event every year. I noticed my ex deathstaring me. After that all died down, she came up to me. “Do I have to stay all night, or can I go home after registration closes?” I asked her why. “I’m just tired and I want to go home.” I told her it was alright.
That’s not where she broke no contact. She left at midnight and messaged me at 3am. It was a long message accusing me of “harassing” her and threatening me with a restraining order. Apparently, some of our coworkers and friends started checking up on her and asking her how she was holding up throughout the night. She thought I sent them to talk to her.
I calmly replied saying that “I have no idea what you’re talking about, I’ve been running this event all night. If people are checking up on you, I had no part in that.” I told her I was incredibly hurt and in genuine disbelief that she thought of me as someone that would be overbearing and clingy when all I’ve done was no contact.
Her apology was 4 words. “I overreacted. I’m sorry.”
Optimistically, I’m glad this happened. If she’s been trying to find a reason to hate me, then I had the opportunity to clear her paranoia. She broke up with me because she had so much going on in her personal life that she couldn’t handle a relationship. I wanted nothing more than for her to break out of the denial stage and move on properly. I hope her accusations towards me and my responses were enough to push her towards healing.
Pessimistically, I’m in pain. I slept all day for the first time in 10 days and I hurt a lot. I still can’t believe she thought I was this monster. I’m sad that she defaulted back into running and blaming other people. She ran from me for the last 3 weeks and now she’s blaming me. At least she’s consistent in her “grieving.”
Overall, I got what I wanted, just not in the way I thought I would. I wanted her to pass her tipping point and “break” so that she could rebuild herself properly. I broke when I initiated NC and have taken major strides since.
I woke up in pain and I was in disbelief. How could she see me that way? How dare she accuse me of such things. I spent the day just sleeping the pain away trying to decide whether or not I should fire her. Ultimately, I decided to suspend her.
I wrote out a very professional way to put her on leave. The main reason was the accusation, the threat, and genuine concern for her mental health. It took me 10 minutes to press the send button. I realized that if I sent it, I may never see her again. I concluded that if that were the case, it’d be for the best.
That’s how I broke NC today. I tried to suspend her from her duties and she came back swinging at me. She fought really hard for her job and initially lashed out at me saying that this was all because I couldn’t handle this like a mature adult. I told her that I was suspending her because of her leaving and crying during events meant that she needed to look after her mental well being. After she laid out all her grudges and personal attacks against me, I told her the one thing that bothered me. “I’m glad you found it so easy to just move on and hang out with your new friends.” She barked back, “You think it’s easy!?” Then she started opening up to me.
She told me her life was hell. Her roommate didn’t make rent for the 3rd time in a row, her mom is harassing her, and she’s failing a few classes. She said the hardest thing was that all of our mutual friends would give her updates on my well being and how hard it is to ignore it. I told her I felt like a failure because of my grades and the event’s low attendance. She dropped breadcrumbs. “You’re not a failure. You got this. I believe in you.” That’s what she’d always say to cheer me up.
At the end of the conversation, she promised that she’d stop holding grudges against me and that she’d stop accusing me of things I’m not doing. We started bringing up inside jokes and I ended it with “Maybe when we pull our shit together, we can be friends.” She said “Maybe.” End conversation.
Where am I?
I’m glad she finally opened up to me with the truth. I’m glad she yelled at me. I hope that we’re at a mutual understanding now. However, I’m sad I fell for the breadcrumbs. For a moment, I felt like she was my girlfriend again, but I snapped back into reality.
I go on a family vacation in a few days. The next event we run together is in 13 days. There is no reason (personal or work) to talk until then. 7 days after that, she goes back to her home state to hang out with her family for awhile and make amends. 7 days after that, our final event of the year. That brings us to day 27. I hope she’ll finally be able to move on knowing I’m not out to get her. Most importantly, I hope I’ll be able to accept things and be stronger this time around. That’s where I am.