I have been jumping through hoops all my life. Racing towards a finish line that I may never reach. Each time I hit a milestone a new obstacle presents itself. I often wonder what life would be like if I could wake up and not have to worry about anyone standing in my way. What is it like to wake up and know that the world is your oyster and no one is going to tell you that you can’t do it? What is it like knowing that you will always be encouraged and coddled and molded as you go along your journey? What does it feel like to have people fill you with hope instead of doubt?
Unfortunately, I will never know. Despite being in gifted and talented in elementary school, advanced courses in middle and IB program in high school I was still treated as the other. Hell I am still treated as the other as people often underestimate my capabilities. I suppose they think certain arenas are not my place but I say f$*k that. I say f#$k what you think because I am here and I am fully capable.
As I near my next milestone, I realize that I have sustained some serious injuries along the way. I let the negative thoughts of others seep in and derail me from my path. Here I stand with mental scars like bloody bandages across my knees as I try to stay optimistic. In the end, I take solace in knowing that my path will always be my path. Even if others try to stand in my way, my conviction will NEVER allow me to give up on my dreams.
The problem is that every time someone burns me or tries to stand in my way, I recoil. I feel like my ability to completely trust other people has been destroyed. I know that this path may be long and it may be lonely but I am not afraid of doing it alone.
I often wonder why people are so afraid of being alone. Some of my best memories have occurred when I am completely alone. Completely unbothered by the world around me. Free.
For instance, I was out alone today. Gasp! Driving around in my car with the windows down, blasting one of my favorite songs and singing to my heart’s content. Not just regular singing but the kind of singing you do when you are completely relaxed and alone in the shower. The kind of singing that would annoy my significant other (if I had one). It felt great. I felt great and I was completely alone.
Don’t get me wrong, I do like people….sometimes lol. Well honestly, I do like people I just like people in increments. I have odd moments of extroversion that are filled with travel and late-night adventures with friends. I love travel. Travel is life! What would I do without travel? Oh wait, I am a broke-ass grad student right now smh. : (
Any who, I also have moments when I prefer to be curled up in the bed by myself reading a good book. I also have what Carrie Bradshaw referred to as single people behaviors that I am not sure I want anyone else to see. Like when I randomly rummage through the refrigerator and eat an entire spoonful of peanut butter or my strange obsession with putting jalapeños on everything. Jalapeños on my eggs, on my toast…damnit in my grits with cheddar cheese.
I mention all this because I wonder if a love interest would understand. Would he understand my moments of complete silence and contentment? Would he understand if I went days or even a week without seeing him? Is my need to be alone sometimes a deal breaker for a relationship?
I would like to find my soulmate but I am not sure of what that person would look like. I know that I want someone loyal and trustworthy and all that jazz. However, I also want someone who will always motivate me to be my best and doesn’t try to inhibit my ambitions but welcomes them. I am not the “vixen”. I am curvy but a little bit nerdy. So, he would have to be ok with that too.
My past relationships were violent and filled with insecurity. A chapter in my life that I have closed. I just hope that I will open up just enough for the right guy to see the real me. Someone to share all my crazy experiences, secrets and interesting fantasies. But opening up is easier said than done and right now this heart of mine is on heavy lock and key.