my first entry…it’s probably not going to be pretty

Well, where shall I begin? So many thoughts, feelings, emotions…everything running through my head. I guess I should start by saying that at the age of 25 I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety which has been a up and down battle. Since August of this year, I have weaned myself off of the medication and have found Jesus. Jesus has helped me tremendously with this transition and honestly feel much better overall mentally and physically. Today though, is not one of those days. So much has been going on and so much to work on that I feel completely overwhelmed and unsure what to do. My family and I lost our apartment in August and are now living with my boyfriends mother and brother. I am thankful to have a place to live and thankful with all the help they have given us, but I am at my wits end. 6 people in a 3 bedroom mobile home with clashing personalities and different living styles does not make a very happy home. My oldest daughter is now suffering with the same mental issues and recently found out she has been cutting herself. we are getting her the help she needs but it will be a long battle for us all. We have been looking at mobile homes to purchase, but there is always a catch. Either work needs to be done or it is out of our price range. My job is a minimum wage, thankless job…but grateful to be employed. My boyfriend, who I love deeply, expects a lot from me, but I’m not getting everything I need out of the relationship. I have expressed my feelings, but nothing changes. I’m at the point where I just don’t know what to do with anything or anyone. I feel like what I try to accomplish either isn’t god enough or isn’t right. damned if I do, damned if I don’t. My days off are filled with trying to get done all the things for my family that I didn’t have time to do during the week or trying to find solutions for the many problems in our lives. I ask God for His guidance, and just when I feel like I am being guided towards something….bam!!! It somehow gets shut down. I pray for help, I pray fo Him to help me become a better person…I pray for my family to have a home of our own so we can become the great family I know we are…but I can’t seem to get my act together. I feel so defeated, but at the same time blessed that we do have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies… but at the same time…the depression is creeping back. I don’t want to go back on medications and honestly, I probably will not go and ask to be placed back on them. I know God has a plan for us, I know God will get us through all this. I just need to FEEL like everything is going to be ok and that we will all get through this ok. I pray that each day, the sun shines on us a bit more and that in the end, this will all be worth the struggle.

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