I feel lost today. I feel guilty, sad, relief and so many more conflicting emotions.
Someone said “All this, over a cat?”. I wanted scream that them…because Selznick wasn’t just a cat. And it wasn’t just because he died. I had to CHOOSE that it was time to put him to sleep. I had to make that decision. Animals don’t have a way to communicate when they want to be done. They have to rely on us to make the best decision for them when they are in pain or a poor quality of life. I’m still questioning if I made the right decision but I know the doubt comes from my own selfishness.
My heart is aching every time my mind wanders back to those precious last few minutes in the car. Swaddled in a blanket to keep warm and he nuzzled under my chin. He trusted me. He loved me. I loved him. I still love him. I hate this so fucking much. I hate this feeling. I clung to his blanket all night and I would wake myself up weeping. My husband and I keep finding small items around the house that remind us of him and we cry with each other. What do I do with his food bowl now? There is still left over medication in cabinet that I don’t want to throw out because it makes it too real. Our other two cats are so confused. They keep wandering around the house looking for him. They are hesitant to jump on the bed as to not disturb Selznick like they used to, but then they realize he’s not there. What’s going through their minds? I know it will get better but I’ll be damned if this wasn’t the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.
I’m looking forward to writing about all the happy in my life. It’s just not going to happen right now.