Every Moment Ever Since..

Well, how do i say this. I couldn’t help it but sometimes life just remind you about it every now and then. Yes i tried to forget but i can’t seem to do it. It still haunts me till today. Maybe deep down, i’m still hurting eventhough i’ve forgiven you or maybe unconsiciously not wholeheartedly? I don’t know. Why must i still feel this hurtful thought? Why can’t i just be happy with my life right now? Or is this the way God wants to tell you that you’re doing all of this the wrong way?

Hmm, i’m just confused. 
Well, just to tell you guys into the story. We go back 3 years ago. Maybe a part of me know that he was ”too risky” for me, but without me knowing, i like to help people to go to the right path and i want to be in the journey together with them. In another words, i want to help them change into a better person. So when i get together with him, i know he will cause alot of trouble or just by being with him will cause me alot of trouble but i don’t know why i still go on with the relationship.

We were together for about 1 or 2 month and you contacted your recent ex and i found out when i go through your facebook convo stating that, you regretted breaking up with her and you continue this for a few weeks without me knowing and acting like you really love me. I got to know about it when we first made love or to you have sex. I didn’t confronted you maybe because we are still new to the relationship or what other reason. I left you by keeping quiet. So a few months later, you went to a Rehabilitation Centre (RC) because you are still taking drug even when you know i don’t like it and for almost 1 year and i waited for a few months for you. Going up and down visiting you every weekend. And 1 point i thought whats the point going through all of this, you don’t really love me and i’m so lonely. You just asking me to wait for you because there wasn’t anyone else to wait for you. Thats what i thought. And i asked for a break and spoke to other people. I’ve met someone new but you kept talking to me and wanting me back. 

1 part of my heart said i still love you and other part said what if he never change. And guess what both part is the truth. I’ve should have known better. So you found out that i talked to other people and you said i cheated on you. I admit it and told you the truth that i was so lonely and heartbroken and i needed someone to talk to. What the point in being in a relationship if half of the time you’re in there paying back for the mistake that you have made and i’m also paying for it? Its not fair, not fair at all. I don’t want to live my life waiting when i know you can make a better choice. I’m in a relationship because i want the other half of my life to be with me through thick and thin and not me being stranded alone. And we got back together, a few months later i found out again you keep talking to other woman and keeping behind my back. I confronted you but you keep saying you’re sorry and i kept saying you’re sorry doesn’t meant anything. But still I’m idiot enough to keep forgiving him without knowing.

Just to let you guys know, its not that i don’t want to leave him, i do want too. But most of the time i really feel like he is my soulmate, he is the love of my life. You know how people say that when the right person come, you will know it. I just can’t get over him. At all. I swear on my mother that i have never fell in love and loving someone this much as i do towards him. I really don’t. All of the time when we are together except when all the problem arise I’m really happy. No one has ever make me this happy. I never get bored being with him. Maybe that is the reason i keep forgiving him because i want him in my life.

So, around end of 2016 and early 2017 once again i got to know that he cheated on me. This time round it was more visual cheating than text messaging. He was facetiming with someone and doing sexual thing and my god it feel so hurt up till now, he keep the screenshot of him doing it with her. Alot of it and quite a few times. At this point i feel so stupid, i’m an idiot. When he felt like his family has abandoned him, i gave him shelter at my house up till today. I helped him through thick and thin of his life. I support him in most of his financial and this is what i get back. What’s most disgusting to me is, he do this when he was in my house. Lying on my bed, when i’m out at work. How disgusting is that??

And all he said that its because of me that all of this happened. I’m too ego, he have been keeping his anger because of me. I kept making him angry whenever i said something nasty. But i don’t think that is the reason for you to cheat right? Or am i wrong, you guys tell me. This time round it was so hurtful, so hurtful. I didn’t know what to do. I keep quiet for a few days, i was hurting. I always cried myself to sleep.  Thats the only way for me to sleep. Then i asked him to get out of my house and he didn’t. We talked and we worked things out again. Then my parents asked us to get engaged without knowing what happen and we just agree without thinking.

After we got engaged on March this year, he went to prison on September due to not attending his National Service and they found drug in his bag. So up till now, I’m still waiting for him. He will be in for 1 year and another 2 years we will get marry.


Am i doing the right thing? Is this the right decision for me? Deep down, yes I’m still hurting and yes out of the blue i will kept getting this hurtful moment. And yes I do really love him. If any of you out there is ready this i wouldn’t mind a thought or two. I’m just really confuse and sometimes i do feel like I’m doing the wrong thing. He sent me letters from prison saying that he is sorry that all of this is happening and that i will wait for him and he really love me. Will you go and cheat on your partner when their flaws are just getting on your nerves? Tell me and thank you for reading post.


Till next time, 

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