Feeling a Little Lost Here

I’m feeling a little broken right now. Which is why I feel the need to write. Maybe I should talk to someone…I have…bits and pieces here and there, but nobody will really understand…and writing helps me. So, here I am. Baring my soul and vomiting out the words that hold my mind hostage at night. Some of you may know the situation with the little ones in my life. My nieces I’ve been raising for 6 and a half years. I always knew that the day would come when their parents would come back into their life. I just never imagined it happening this way and changing so much so intensely. Their parents haven’t been in their lives for a long time. Even the past 2 years that they’ve been “free  & clean” they never came around to see the kids except a few times a year (even though they lived right down the road) and attended a few of their sporting events. That’s it…in 2 years. Well, push came to shove and their mom (who is now 7 months pregnant with their sibling) and dad got evicted and had no choice but to be forced to move in with us temporarily. I was not fond of the idea at all. For many reasons (some selfish and some purely out of protection of the kids’ hearts and emotional well-being). But I sucked it up because it was only supposed to be for a month or two at the most. Then, it turned into “maybe a little after the baby is born”…but now it has come down to “a year at the least” and so much permanency that they feel the need to put their 2 cents in on some of the house remodeling. I don’t want to live with them and I don’t want to live with a baby and possibly end up half-raising their third child. But, that’s not what this entry is really about. It’s about the fact that I feel like I have lost the children. I know that sounds selfish and immature and not very “parental”– but let me explain. I knew that one day the kids would be curious about their parents, especially the older they got. But, I didn’t expect things to turn out like they have. Their parents have lived here for 3 months so far (not very long when compared to how long their absence in the kids’ lives was.) I knew that the kids would want to bond with them and get to know them. They finally were living with their parents like “Normal” kids (somewhat anyways). I even purposely stepped back just a little to let that bonding take place. But just a little step back…I was still teaching the kids their homeschool, taking them to practices and doctors appointments, etc.. But, in those 3 months…the kids have managed to distance themselves from me. They only come to me when they NEED/WANT something because their parents are at work. But, it’s not just the distance because that is somewhat to be expected. They’ve also grown a “coldness” to me. I feel it. I see it. They express it in their interactions with me. They argue and backtalk me relentlessly, and they don’t mind me at all. It’s as if the 6 1/2 years that I’ve raised them and been their parent/friend/ authority figure has all been erased so quickly. I don’t blame the kids…their kids. But it still BREAKS MY HEART INTO A MILLION PIECES. I don’t know what to do. I don’t ever want to force myself in their lives. Because no matter what I just want the best for them. But, I love them so much and it’s as if everything that we’ve experienced together (the good, the awful, the hard, the fun)…it’s all been erased from their minds. I didn’t think that could ever happen. I’ve raised Lil M since she was 2. She’s about to turn 9. That’s basically her whole life that I’ve been her parent/best friend…and it’s just gone. Lil J goes to her mom about “life things”…she doesn’t want me, she wants her mom. Which I get…but I just figured me or my mom would be her comfort zone always. It just hurts and I feel lost and helpless. I put my whole life on hold to help keep theirs together after losing their parents…and now I don’t know what it is that I am supposed to do with my life. I have dreams. But, I wasn’t ready for this yet and I certainly wasn’t ready for it to happen this way and for it to be so heartbreaking. I feel like all that’s left for me to do now is to move on with my life. Move out, follow my dreams, do what I set out to do…but I’d be doing it with a heavy heart that feels incomplete. I’m just lost. In the dark. I feel like I have no one that can understand what I’m feeling or going through…or that really even cares enough. Beyond that, I’m worried for the kids. Their mom has overcompensated and started spoiling them…constantly buying them things for no reason, giving them whatever they want, overruling their bedtime and eating habits…she has played a role in their change in personality too. This also isn’t the first time this has happened to me.  My ex-fiancé had a daughter. That I raised for 3 years from 6-9 years old…when she left me she made sure I could have nothing to do with her daughter anymore either which was unfair to both of us. That hurt more than anything. It killed me for a long time. And to go through this again is just unbearable. I try to look on the positive side of life most of the time….and focus on the beauty of life…but sometimes that scared little girl inside of me comes out and just can’t. Emotional traumas in my life started when I was 19 years old. One night I was at work working the closing shift of the retail store I worked at when I received a call from the hospital that my mother had been admitted because she had shot herself. She luckily and thank God survived…but in the midst of dealing with the emotions from that, had to go home and clean up the trail of blood before my sister or anyone else saw it. I am forever scarred by that night. That, along with a few other traumatic things over the years ,sent me into a deep, dark depression. I lost my dad to name one. At one point I wanted to end my own life and attempted to. It’s taken me years to get back to the point of not being depressed and feeling happy again. But lately, I just can’t seem to find a good place. I’m barely hanging on here and don’t know what to do, where to go, or who I can turn to. I’m trying to be strong and not be selfish for the kids…or at least hide how I feel from them. For now I’m going to try to take one day at a time and keep breathing…some things you have no control over and those are the most difficult worries. I also just went back and read over my last journal entry which was hard to read…but almost seemed like a foreshadowing.

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