Never good enough sometimes

What do we know about this word. . this emotion this thing that determines how i’ll live the rest of my life this thing that continues to hold me back. I wish i had the privilege to say I was just sad all the time. Its hard to say that when so many people know i’m depressed and well past the crying for help stage i just want to be happy i don’t know what to do anymore life’s crashing in on me I want to die all of the time No one can help me i feel like i’m decaying my grades are slipping and i feel like Nothings good and i wish i could blame my grades on the drugs but i can’t the drugs (Weed) helps me feel better i did better with drugs but i hate depending on them ya know I was never addicted to anything in my life not even drugs not even the sadness. but i guess you could say i’m obsessed with the thought of dying
Something about Eternal slumber makes me happy it makes me actually think about hope of another thing that comes after death. Happiness. But who am i fooling that doesn’t live in me anymore Happiness died when i felt like i lost everything and to be frank everything is lost inside me even my own hope for a future
Maybe the strangers reading this. . maybe you all think i’m full of shit maybe you think i’m making all this up because every time i say i’m gonna die and kill myself i always come back to write my irrelevant feelings well readers. I’m sorry okay I’ve been honest to all of you and i have to say i have the balls to kill myself but not the balls to hurt the people around me the thought of my mother crying because her pathetic excuse of a daughter is dead makes me want throw up and the thought of my best friend crying over a shitty person like me who i know she secretly hated makes me want to blow every bit of brain out my thick skull 
I don’t know what to do anymore Readers i bet your lives are just so much worse than mine and here you are probably reading this in disgust i can’t imagine what you might be thinking “13 year old brat boo-hooing over a life she’s barely lived” WELL I’M TRYING READER I’M TRYING TO LIVE AND SMILE AND BE HAPPY BUT LIFE ISN’T ALLOWING ME OKAY EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH ME EVERYTHING IS WRONG I’LL NEVER BE OKAY AND I’M SORRY YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME BUT I FEEL LIKE I OWE IT TO ALL OF YOU TO JUST END IT NOW, TO JUST STOP WHAT I’M DOING AND DIE OR AT LEAST TRY TO BE HAPPY. . .BUT I CAN’T PEOPLE LIKE ME CAN’T 
Maybe people like me don’t exist anymore maybe i’m a one in a million fuck up Ha  what a funny thought I’m special and the reason i am is because i’m a failure. . .No wonder everyone hates me

Sincerely, Randy Gary 

Leave a Comment: