Really Stressed….

The whole school thing isn’t really working so far. It’s embarrassing. The 5 yr. old is just a piece of work. I feel so stupid and because I don’t know how to deal with kids, people in general, I don’t know how to deal with him. I’m sure he is seeing what he can get away with and I know that he gets attention when he acts up/out. I’ll try tickle monster next week. I had Big Fat Girl Kat at the vet last week and the Nick the guy at the desk helped me so much with getting a different cheaper price on her meds. I just blurted out that I love him. He didn’t take kindly to that….I was just joking half ass.I do this kind of stuff and I tell myself that I should edit myself at all times and just shut the FU*$ up. I talk to much. I’m not sure of this key board….Anyway. I know I have an agreement with myself about being here long term, that I won’t be “selfish” (not that I believe that, it is my life) but it’s hard some days as I don’t see much good about it. The above situations just add to it all and I use this stuff to beat on myself. The hatred isn’t as bad as before. But I don’t like myself much. And in the world I’m embarrassed. I understand all the mental health stuff  as I’ve tried for most of my adult life to fix/change it and I’m tired. There is no self help here and I find that I don’t care. I mostly don’t feel like doing anything…I draw houses and watch TV and have fantasies. I’m real deep in my head. I don’t socialize, have friends. Never have. That’s fine. I….moan and groan as these are choices I’ve made.  However it’s hard to lie and pretend to people. It’s also hard to make adult decisions, like gee find insurance for next yr. I’m going to second guess what ever choice I make anyway. I just keep my head in the sand. Stupid. There’s more stuff…But I have to go know….Thanks

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