Good morning. Again, by design, I think this is something I’m supposed to write before bed not after I wake in the morning, but it is the best time for me.
My recovery is going well. It’s not perfect in every way. No, I’ve not acted out nor have I really felt any urge to do so other than a couple of times in the last 4.5 months since I hit bottom and was given the gift of desperation. Oddly, it does occasionally cross my mind. Like yesterday for instance. Not a craving, no desire but it just hit me that, “hey…. I haven’t checked the CL personal ads in awhile and there might be some new juicy ones”. I couldn’t believe that I thought that. I did not look at them, had no interest in that at all, but it just hit my brain. I read some more SAA material for a couple of minutes.
Called another brother in addiction and he said that’s how it works. It doesn’t mean that I’m going to act out and tumble back into that secret world. It was a habit that occupied most of my free time, and habits like that will always be in my psyche hanging around. My “sponsor” remains very difficult to reach, but I did speak with him yesterday and he wants to get back to working with me on my steps so that is a good orderly direction. Met with my therapist last night who really made me drill down deeper and says I am still defensive and still feel the urge to be right and to be recognized. Sigh. He’s right.
My love is stronger than ever now. I pray that God never lets me forget how far down I was, never forget the feeling I had when we were moving rapidly toward divorce. So each day at work, I wander down this long hallway to a glass door that looks over toward my house. Yes, my office is only a few blocks from home. I did that walk of anxiety several times a day when we were divorcing. The feeling I had was hard to describe. Not chest pain like heart attack, not regular old sadness, not anything I’ve felt before. It was sort of a rough tickle inside my chest, very unpleasant and it would force me to catch my breath. Anxiety is all I can figure it was. So I take that walk each day now that things are rosy, and remind myself lest I ever forget where grace found me, never to let myself down again or that would return tenfold.
Grace finds us wherever we are, but it never leaves us where it found us.