Day 621 & 622 – Anxiety & taking a break

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

This day was a rough one.

It started off fine. I had English first and we continued reading Othello as usual. Afterwards I had technology, where I worked on Photoshop quite a bit. There were these people that came to record and take pictures, not sure why, but I would pull up my Blender whenever I thought they would be recording my screen. I just wanted to show my best work, in case it ended up being for some important technology article or something, haha.

Anyhow, at lunch I sat with Kohai and her friends. Afterwards we went to French, where we read some more editorials, read more of our book, and did a little of grammar. In math we began learning statistics, which I don’t think I’ll enjoy that much.

At home that’s when things started to get pretty eh.

One of the pastors from my church (not the usual awkward one) came to eat for supper and then host the Wednesday church group. Even though it was a bit awkward, since we didn’t talk that much, we realized we had quite a bit in common. Even after we ate, we discovered his sons are crazy about Minecraft, because he asked if I played it. He even knew Minecraft to the point of knowing the different biomes, which was cool. But during all this, I was feeling a bit of anxiety. I realize I am when I keep tightening the grip on my hands. I’d squish my left hand, the squish my right, and so on.

We talked about baptism and how I’m too shy to say my testimony in front of the church. He offered for my dad or mom to record me in my home and then put it up on screen in church. I thought it would bring more attention to it, but he asked “What if you weren’t the only one?” Because someone else I know is also too shy to do it. I said I would think about it.

When everyone arrived, I joined the group since the pastor invited me. I quickly discovered that we were gonna say our testimonies… yay… Anyhow, everyone had a great testimony, but I (although I’m grateful for it) had a pretty calm life and have been a believer all my life, so I didn’t have a big event to talk about or anything. I was already a bit stressed because my driving instructor called to move my lesson before my turn and already being anxious, I was kinda not making sense when I was talking to my instructor. For my testimony, I told them basically what I said, that I believed all my life and so on. My testimony only lasted a few seconds, although I was a bit more reassured when they said it’s so good that I was raised that way. I listened to my parent’s testimonies which are really interesting, and I discovered more of the reason behind my brother’s name. But then eventually the pastor (although he didn’t mean to) put me on the spot by asking me a question in front of the group. I answered and from then on out my anxiety just sky rocketed. I was already tightening my grip on my hands harder than before and now I was almost breaking town in tears now and then. 

Eventually everyone left and the pastor said it was nice getting to know me, and I said it back, but probably too quietly. After they all left, I was left with my mom and she asked me if I was going to join next time. I said no and I broke down. For some reason my anxiety was really bad that evening, probably cause of all the portfolio stress and the memorial service on Sunday. I explained to her all of that and then I went up to take a shower and go to bed. I kept breaking down in the bathroom and decided that I badly needed a day off. I told my mom and she agreed to let me rest. She told me to stay away from work and part of me really wanted to work on things so I no longer have to stress about it. She said to see how well I feel tomorrow and so I went to bed.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

I didn’t do much today, I just gave myself the much needed relaxing.

I watched a bunch of YouTube, started over Pokemon Sun, since I never finished it, played some Club Penguin and some This War of Mine. My second parents offered to play some games with me and turns out we were both waiting on each other, but it’s fine, haha. I think I needed to feed my introvert and be left alone.

I did do a little work though. I did a tiny bit of drawing and also corrected my math homework so I’m caught up. I also did some writing after finding a story idea in my old notes. I thought it was a really good idea and asked myself why I didn’t go through with it. Probably I thought I wasn’t skilled enough yet or didn’t have the time.

I’m gonna go watch a Supernatural episode then go to bed. How do I feel now? Somewhat better, but still not that great. I won’t have a choice really until this semester is over. If I need another break I will, but I have to chose a school day where I wont miss much, or else it’d be much more worse if I have too much work to do.

That’s all for today.

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