The Beginning

Life has many beginnings, some we are eager to start, others we never see coming.  Birth is the first beginning, followed by first steps, first words, and many other beginnings.  Sure we don’t remember those beginnings, but still they are important beginnings.  As we grow up we begin school, begin dating, begin driving, and begin working, among several other beginnings.  

About 5 months ago, I started another new beginning.  This beginning was one that I really never saw coming.  One that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  5 months ago I began living a life as a widower, a 42 year old widower.  

Let me take a moment to back up and tell a little bit about myself and my wife.  She was born, 34 years ago, with a heart condition that required some surgeries as a baby.  About 14 years ago, we began chatting online, 3 or 4 months later we met in person and spent 2 weeks together.  4 months later she moved 1200 miles to Kentucky to be with me.  We were engaged for 1 year and 12 years ago we were married.  Over the past 12 years she began having an irregular heartbeat and beat more rapidly.  Each time these events would happen we would go to the ER and get her rate and rhythm back to normal through various different ways.  

As the years went on, these events would sometimes be frequent and sometimes be a year between events.  Last year the events began to become more frequent and we had decided that it was time for an upgrade to the procedure that was done as a baby.  

So in June we went into the hospital and the upgrade procedure was done.  The surgery itself went great and they didn’t have any issues.  But 5 days later she developed a brain bleed that the doctors just couldn’t do anything about.

One day I will explain more about what her heart issue was, but this entry is about beginnings.  So for 5 months I have been trying to figure out this beginning.  Do I have it figured out?  Well of course not.  I just take it one day at a time. 

My world was flipped upside down.  The normal every day tasks were no longer normal, they were new experiences.  No longer do I have a forehead to kiss as I leave for work in the morning.  No longer do I make a phone call to say I will be late getting home.  No longer do I lay in bed and have cold feet pressing on my legs.  

This new beginning has been tough.  But there are things that are helping me with this new beginning.  My faith in God has been strengthend, my family and church family have been there whenever I need a shoulder to cry on.  Friends have been there to help get my mind off of things, or to just talk to.  

I will leave you tonight with one final thought.  While in the hospital after the surgery one song was always playing on Pandora when I would listen.  The words to that song seem to explain this new beginning.  I don’t understand it at this time, but know that at some point in time I will.  The title of that song is “God’s Got A Better Plan”  

Until next time —– Craig

2 thoughts on “The Beginning”

  1. Craig, your journal is heart-breaking. I am so sorry for your loss! I don’t know anything else to say. You will be together with her again, of course. But that may be many years away. Keep on being brave and trusting God. I will pray for you. Bless you!

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