We had Noah’s birthday dinner last night. It was very successful except that Bethany didn’t come. Even my sister came. It’s so hard on me to be at that stuff with Brent. It hurts me so much. I cannot understand why he is so against me. I cannot understand why he won’t even consider giving our relationship a chance. It hurts me to the bone. All of those events are painful for me instead of joyous. I don’t know why he is like that. I cannot understand it and it breaks my heart. I wish my kids would ask him why- maybe he would give them a reason. He won’t give me a reason. It makes me want to die. It makes me hate life and want to give up. It’s so frustrating for me. I don’t know what about me is so unlovable. I really don’t. Why is it me that has to be alone? There are people that are tremendous assholes, or are super unattractive, and yet they have someone. There are people that are too fucking lazy to work, or are too stupid to walk around, but I am the one that no one wants.
I hate myself so much.
Later, that same day…
Depression is REALLY bad today. I have cried a lot. I could cry right now. I went to school and worked for a couple of hours. That helped more than anything. I am so broken. I don’t know how I will ever be better. I really don’t. It’s all too much. I’m so tired and so alone. I hate my life so much. I was back on the suicidal thoughts train today. God, it’s hard to even remember that there was a time in my life when I didn’t think about just killing myself and being done with it at least once a day. This bad depression started in 2-15. I really don’t know how much longer I can live like this. It’s so miserable.