Nights are the hardest time of day for me. When the darkness sets outside and also in my mind. I lie beside R and wonder what life would be like if I could say the things I never will. What would he say if I told him that while he has the puzzle pieces, he has put them together incorrectly. He knows my life, he knows where I’ve been and the things I’ve done but somehow he doesn’t see that the trauma I have survived has molded me into something he could never understand. I question myself quietly…is what I am wrong? Am I sick? Do I need to seek help to get rid of the little girl inside of me, that is desperately seeking release? Could I even do that if I tried? Am I to blame for what I have become? I live in fear that somehow it will click someday and he will be repulsed by me.
As my mind wanders I also wonder if I had stayed with W, who would I be today? Would we ever have realized that we were on the road to hell, or that what I needed, while so close at our fingertips, was not being fufuilled. I think he would understand. He is a very intelligent man aside from being a bit depraved. Sometimes I wonder if his wife is able to fulfill his needs the way I did…. I doubt it. There was a time that she was my friend, I’m not sure it was genuine, but we did talk a lot. She was, as you can imagine, very interested in our life and on the occasion I mentioned anything at all about W and my sex life, she was especially intent to listen. I would compare it to a house wife being drawn to “50 Shades Of Gray,” I’m sure that she can not go where I could. There is a place inside me, that I go that allows me to go further into the depths of pain and exploration, then even I understand. There are lots of places inside me to go, depending on who I need to be or what I need to endure. Not many people have that and while I can not speak for her experiences in life, I often can see it in others….I don’t see it in her. I wonder if he is also living unfulfilled. If I were to go to him, would he be a moth, drawn to flame? Perhaps not….it may be more like my being the moth, caught in his web again. I couldn’t take the rejection if I were to reach out and fail. When it comes to him, I am more sensitive then I am with others. He has seen me in every light, he has provided for me, in my most vulnerable states, yet he was able to walk away. Most are not that strong, how he did it drives me mad. It leaves me wondering what might have been. I know that while I often think about it, I could never go back. Surely everyone who knows how broken I was the first time, would think I had completely lost my shit, and seek to have me committed, it wouldn’t be the first time.
My resolve is weakening…. R is a beautiful person. He treats me well and I know he loves me. We have been friends for over 10 years, and things just kind of effortlessly went from friendship to relationship. I would not say there was ever a real passion, I think it was just about comfort. We work, we don’t argue or get on each others nerves. I think that the lack of excitement has been a real problem for me to say the least. I’ve never been in a comfortable relationship like this….all of my past relationships while quite volatile at times, never lacked passion. Does I hate you sex, keep a relationship going, sometimes? Even when he found out I was unfaithful, we didn’t argue, I think that made me feel worse. He said he felt like he wasnt good enough for me anymore and that he forgave me but if it happens again that’s it. I’m afraid it is not an if it does but a when. I’m not sure how long I can hold out….will I ruin the only person who ever gave me stability, to find a relief? Could I somehow go without….forever?