The tangled webs we weave…

I desperately need an outlet. I can not tell anyone in my life the thoughts that haunt and plague me everyday. They wouldn’t understand…sometimes I don’t either, but I’m dying inside and if I don’t find some release, I’m afraid I will make another mistake.

I guess it all kind of goes back to ” the one that got away” that’s not the most accurate description but what can I say I’m a sucker. I fell in love with him at first sight. Yes, I know what you’re thinking and I don’t believe in that phenomenon either, but in this one and only case it happened for me. We were together for 5 years. I habitually ruin men….I don’t mean to, I’m just destructive and it’s more fun with company. He was a good guy at first, brought me flowers every week, the sex was amazing, we would talk all night sometimes dragging ourselves to work with drooping eyes, ect. I don’t know if I introduced him to BDSM or if it was always there, but the depraved acts that would eventually ensue were all of my making. I couldn’t get enough, and neither could he. Alas we lost sight of our origins and neither of us could just make love anymore, the pain level intensified, the lengths we would go to get off started to get out of control and eventually this lead to needing a breather as I became increasingly fearful that I was going to die, which sparked severe panic attacks. I had always had ptsd throughout our relationship from a childhood I will not speak about here, but the episodes started to increase and I could tell that I scared him. It was decided that our relationship needed to be more open. I had been in other relationships like this, but he had not. I regret ever mentioning to him that it had worked for me before or encouraging him to try the lifestyle. He couldn’t handle it and I had to watch as he twice fell in love with other woman. The first time just broke my heart into a million pieces, I could feel him slipping away and it made me want to die. Eventually we were somehow able to work it out and he stayed. That was the end of any talk of open relationships but not the end of him fucking around behind my back….this time though, he stayed with her and I became a distant memory as he married her on our anniversary. It’s been 7 years now and I am still not over it. I truly will never stop loving him but I know that I could never go back. I had been in other BDSM relationships before but I had never gone so far, I was young and far more naive and innocent then one would have believed of me. I hadn’t found my place yet, I knew I liked pain and other things but back then it was just dom/sub….just a basic idea. After we split I spent more years then I would have thought myslef capable, single and not overly commited to anything. I drank a lot, partied, slept around and did what lost people do.

Which brings me to him….my current man. We gave been together about 4 years now, mind you with a break or two here and there. Without the longer break I am sure the hurt I have inflicted upon his poor soul would be worse. Like I said, I destroy people, I don’t want or mean to but somehow it always happens. While we had that break I was destructive as hell, it’s in my nature. I must say he is NOT into BDSM and he 100% believes in monogamy, after my previous mentioned relationship I do not believe in monogamy and I find it painful to live constricted in the vanilla life. When I first met him I thought I could change for him and I tried very hard, but when we seperated I went back and I can’t stop thinking about it now…..yearning for a life I could never have with him. I love him and I do not want to hurt him and so I stay and I bind myself so that he will never see how truly fucked I am. 

As people who are not getting something they need will do, I sought what I am missing in my life and I found it….a man that I could live out my sexual fantasies with. In my heart I think I always knew that I needed a “Daddy” and that I was a little, but of course until I discovered that was a thing, I didn’t undesrtand what I was feeling. While my previous relationship provided that to a degree, I was young and couldn’t really convey what I needed. In my current relationship I express nothing sexually and so there was another and for a while I was happy to have him, I was able to release the pent up frustration and desire and feel fulfilled before coming home to where I really belong. After a while though, he fell in love with me and while I loved him, I knew I could never leave my relationship for him. He was there to fulfill a need and that was all it was for me. He was a wonderful Daddy but I love the one I’m with and I could never break his heart the way that mine was broken. Still I stayed and I think he felt I was drifting away from him, regretting what I had done. He became jealous and often threatened to tell all and told me that I would never be forgiven if he knew the truth and that only he really loved me ect. I did not want to be outted….I know you think it was because I’m selfish or for my own gain…but the truth is I know how it feels to find out someone has betrayed you and I didn’t want to do that to him….I know too late. I confessed and we are together and Daddy is no more. It was the only way for us to move on….I barely ever think about Daddy anymore and I see now that it could have been anyone to fill the role and I would have been happy.  

The dilemma is, I know if ever do it again, forgiveness won’t be so swift and I realize I didn’t deserve his forgiveness in the first place, but I’m feeling too tightly wound again. I need to go into little space, I need it but I can’t have it. Can I make this relationship work while I am yearning for something he will never give me….can I turn my back on what I am and be the girl he deserves? I guess only time will tell, but once again, I stand conflicted.

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