Weekends are definitely the hardest. This weekend, with the family party for Noah was especially hard. It really made me feel alone and hate that Brent has rejected me even more than usual. I do feel a tiny squeak of hope because I sent him a text this morning and he could have 1. ignored it completely, meaning he’s getting frustrated with me and sick of me, etc., 2. said, “haha” 3. said,” don’t turn down dates on my account”, or “you are wasting your time,” or whatever, but he didn’t. He said, “I’ll include that as an insert in my book.” I am assuming he’s referring to his book, “glimpses of happiness” that he talked about forever, about our life together. I think he was hurt to the bone with our divorce. That’s what I think at the moment- I just can’t understand why he wouldn’t at least give me a chance- he has nothing to lose. What am I missing? What keeps him away from me? We could be so happy together- our family could be so happy. It’s so frustrating. I just want to love him. I just want to be the wife to him that I should have been all along. It’s not my fault that my childhood was so fucked up it made me into a OCD perfectionist- I definitely did not choose that- but now I understand it and can deal with it without behaving like a complete bitch. I am so so so sorry for being so hard on him, but I didn’t get it then. It’s hard for me to- well, I guess it’s impossible at this point for me to accept that he cannot forgive me and give us another chance. My brain cannot accept that answer. I cannot believe that is the case. I don’t know what I would do if I thought that- if I thought I never had a chance. I don’t know why I do- he really has not given me any reason to think I have a chance. I just do.
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 47 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, “just keep breathing in and out, that’s enough for today.”