6: I am afraid

I just watched a youtube video about suicide and it gave me chills because I know my brain is weak when it comes to things like this and I knew whether you like or not, dark times will come. I am scared for my own life, I’m scared that one day with just a snap of chemicals in my brain everything will fall apart. I don’t know much about the medical terms and maybe its time to learn of what can I do and how to prevent it (this will be on another story). I experienced the lowest in my life not once but a bunch of times and it’s surprising how I am holding on till now. Well, I am still alive, maybe not my best everyday but I know I’m on the process. Sometimes I am happy, sad, frustrated, moody, sometimes I can feel so many emotions at the same time which is crazy but its fine. I’m processing what I can and trying to understand every situation and emotions. Anyway, back to being negative, suicide has been a lot on my mind especially on my teenage years, again its scary to even remember. I cry myself to sleep, imagine a lot of sad scenario and just play with my head and feel the pain until I numb myself out. I remember not being afraid of anything, tired, wasted, and not wanting to exist. I don’t want anyone to recognize me or say anything nice to me. I still go out with my friends which is the reason no one suspect of my problem. Also, I remember the reason I wanted to end my life and because I wanted people to be more aware of what’s happening and maybe I can make a change. Honestly, all I want is change but I’m hopeless and I wanted to be remembered. Thinking about it is crazy because there’s no change in that plan and in the end I’ll just die and people might cry but they will move on and who am I gonna be then? a dead person. Think about it.

I  told 2 people after 7 years which is dumb but be easy I never knew about it until I stumbled on an article. Mental health issues, stigma and discrimination is real. Moving on, It’s nice to talked to someone with the same issue. I remember talking to a group of friends and only 2 of them was interested while the other made their own conversation. The first one was so open of her experienced and at the back of head I was like my life wasn’t that bad after all. I know, there’s no comparison in pain but that moment I just want to hug her and make her feel that everything is gonna be okay but I guess she’s the one who made me realized that everything is gonna be okay. She’s one brave woman. Well, the other one was like, really? I never experienced or felt that, she has no idea of what’s going on and maybe some people don’t have that problem or maybe they still don’t realize the problem.  Anyway, I am better with dealing of the negativity but that doesn’t mean I am safe with myself. It’s terrifying but I won’t let it paralyze me. Time and experience made me better. Also, my relationship with my family, friends, etc. is to great just to waste. I realized LIFE is so full of shit but it’s so special. (I just want everything to end positively).

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