Loving and recovering

I’m amazed at how much things have changed since I started this journal only a few months ago.  At the outset, I was looking to start my life over again without my wife and / or home.  I was trying to navigate my way out of the life I’d known for over 3 decades and toward whatever lay ahead of me in the abyss.  And I did change, I did start a new life and a new loving relationship.  Ironically, those became reality in my existing home and with my own loving wife.  I truly did not think that was going to happen. 

What made it possible was recovery.  I had to reclaim myself, find a new me, and our old relationship had to die!  Only way to get from that point, a system by which we “lived”, to a newfound us.  No regrets either.  I’ve asked my wife that specific question while in each others’ arms:  “Have you doubts about us?”  Or, “have you regretted us moving back in together and working on us?”.  To both she answered with a resounding “no”.  I believe her. 

In recovery, one of the major things we do is to take inventory.  I was reminded that it is also a good idea to inventory the good things I do and that happen.  I’m better at citing my flaws but, I’ll try to remind myself to be positive too.  So I did most things the right way to restore my love life with the love OF my life.  Yes, I could have asserted my legal right to break into my home and plant myself back in that house and could even have kicked her out and changed the locks as she did to me.  That was the advice of my first lawyer.  I didn’t take her advice and terminated her and found another.  No, I worked instead on rebuilding rather than breaking down.  Step by step, as with recovery, I’ve luckily been able to accomplish that.  Not without work.  I researched hours and hours, met with my therapist weekly, corresponded with him daily, found a sponsor and speak with others in recovery every day.  I meditate, though not as often as I’d like, and yes this journal has been a huge part of my recovery.  Rather than sit alone and wallow in self pity and drink myself to sleep, I stayed active with friends and hit the gym although I did NOT feel like doing any of those things.  So there’s my positive inventory.  I’ll work on it more on here too.

The man I asked to be my sponsor is still rarely available.  I call, he doesn’t answer.  I call again and the same thing.  I text asking for an actual appointment and he doesn’t respond.  That part simply is not working out well.  I’ll figure something out. 

I’m very happy to state that I have, I believe, finally been able to free myself from resentments.  There were a couple clinging on but with God’s help, those shortcomings have been lifted.  My ongoing prayer is that he will help me stop and think before I react or speak.  That’s been a real problem for me for a really long time.  Ego needs to be knocked flat out if I am to continue my spiritual journey.

I can’t believe how different I feel inside and out today.  It’s exhilarating!

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