How long is forever? Sometimes just one second.

Once again night has fallen, and I lie here, the sole person in my home, still awake. Everyone else has been fed their dinner, taken their showers, and sleep content, with our utterly boring suburban life. The house is clean, the alarm is set, our cars are safely stored in the garage, the lawn is at an acceptable length again, as the landscaping men came by today. I went to work, the same time I always do, the kids at school/daycare, actually made it to my daughter’s practice today, thank God, now she won’t complain and the snide PTA moms only mentioned in passing how hard it must be to be a working mom, and how unsurprised they are that I always show up late if at all. Yeah yeah, whatever so I’m not getting mother of the year award Susan, why don’t you get fucked already so you can worry about your own damn life. When I was 18, I would have shuddered to think this would be my life at 30….why is this the American dream? When I was younger, I never wanted kids, or to buy a home and have pets or any of the things I have today. I just wanted to be a flight attendant, drive fast cars, and travel the world. Well damn, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. That’s what I get for becoming pregnant at 16….only I managed to get pregnant in a Catholic boarding school, out of my year anyway, so here we are, this is 30…I just can’t stand the excitement.

My ex K got married the other day. I am happy for him, I would have never thought him capable of settling down, and to be honest she’s quite homely in my opinion, but to each their own.  We dated for about two years after the divorce, but neither of us wanted to commit, so it worked out nice for both of us….until of course he decided that he would like me to be committed to him without showing me the same respect….I fucked a few of his friends, to show him how much I appreciated the sentiment, now we don’t talk, but he’s still quite friendly with R, who of course was one of those friends I mentioned. It’s funny to think how far R and I have come and how far apart K and I drifted. I thought we’d always be a part of each other’s lives, but I see now, that it just wasn’t in the cards….I’m kind of happy it wasn’t. We really were only hanging on by a sexually gratifying string, anyway.

Work is the worst right now. I feel like it might be time for a vacation. We are losing a lot of people again, and I’m feeling spread thin with all of the traveling I now have to do for work until those people are replaced. Just in time for the holidays, tis the season. I tried to put my two weeks in again not long ago, but just like last time, they convinced me to stay. My wallet will be just a bit fatter at Christmas….I didn’t have another job like I told them, I just needed another raise and I knew they’d give it to me, if I told them I was leaving for better pay….suckers. Of course with our suburban life we live in the typical amount of American debt… Credit cards are literally the bane of my existence, if we didn’t have them probably wouldn’t work, but then again if we didn’t have them I might have to work? I really don’t know anymore, but I dream of the day that everything gets paid off. So honestly I deserved the raise and I’ll breathe easier when the extra money pays off some of the Christmas debt, that I already racked up, R doesn’t need to know….not that he ever looks at our bills anyway…he makes the majority of our money and I kind of do everything else? Which includes paying the bills. I wonder if he even knows our debt to income ratio? I doubt it and I really don’t think he cares, as long as everyone’s comfortable he’s content, I’m happiest when shopping so he never questions if I should have put something on credit…. He probably thinks I pay cash, even though I literally never have.

I wonder sometimes, if he had it in him to take control and be “Daddy,” would our lives be better? I’m not even sure that’s what I want. In my mind I compartmentalize my needs and who fills them. R and I get along famously, never fight and he pretty much just allows me the freedom to do what I want, obviously within the monogamous bounds and he is home to me. I feel like I would resent living with a “Daddy” as I’m pretty independent. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a need for it as well though. This is why I don’t believe in monogamy, no one person can fill all the needs I have and play the roles. If only R would be okay with being my husband that fills my companion needs, and allow me to find others to help with my other needs. Desperation is starting to bleed through again and I have seriously considered reaching out to E…maybe I would if I wasn’t afraid he would get enjoyment out of hurting R with the news. I really need to find a way to just be normal and content with what we have….we made it, we are the American dream, so why don’t I feel content? 

Something is wrong with me…I just want to be normal…today.

 

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