Recovery: Sponsor still rarely answers my calls, rarely calls me back unless he wants to talk about his problems, and when he does ask about my program, he doesn’t know what step we last completed.
Other guy in the program with whom I/we exchange calls every day, and he always takes my call and vice versa. My therapist keeps encouraging me to say “bye” to the sponsor and this other fellow and I should co-sponsor each other. I think I’m going to ask him that question in tomorrow’s call.
Therapy went nicely yesterday. He challenges me and sometimes it’s hard work, drilling down and trying to find the right answers. But I always feel good when I’ve been there.
Summary: Recovery is going well. These journals are a big part of that. Meditating only a few times each week. My fault. Can I find a way to carve out five little minutes each day? Of course. So when and why did I make the decision not to do that…..
Relationship: Better every day. Far from perfect. She still has anger bubbling below the surface and anger is born out of fear, and her fear is that I will relapse. What I’ve not shared with my lovely wife is what my therapist has figured out about me. My sexuality throughout my life has been quite imperfect for so many reasons. But with my wife, she has fought valiantly several tough cancer battles. I have been her soul caregiver for each and never left her side, as she would care for me. These battles ravaged her body in so many ways. About going on three years ago, she could no longer have coitus. It just grew too painful. Yes we tried everything, lubricant, practice, slowing down, way more foreplay including going down as foreplay. We even paid for and she received the Mona Lisa Touch surgery. Did nothing. Nothing did anything. She simply stopped being able to accommodate me down there. We took care of each other in other ways so it was not a complete end. But it was at that very time that my addiction sprang to life. And each time I tried to control it, it popped up in other ways. My therapist knows that this is a big part of my acting out starting. Our inability to talk about it, just accept it and do without but not really dive down and talk, ramped up my addiction all the more.
Morale is, to avoid my acting out I need to work every day on my program. I also need to have a far more open dialogue with my lovely wife and we need to be closer emotionally and spiritually. We are way into that now and doing better every day. We need to talk more openly, which we are doing more now too. But if these positive parts of my relationship go badly again, I will relapse. If all stays good with my recovery and program and my relationship and we have great sex even if it can’t be coitus, I should stay clean.
I hate to say this but I have to admit…. I miss intercourse. I don’t want to be a heel and be demanding and I will not be so, but I do miss it very much. It was the biggest part of our sex life, gave us children and much joy and closeness. I miss it so.