35 Years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

November 17, 1982, 10PM in bathroom door way..Smoked my last cigarette!!!! Flushed down toilet!! Yea Smokenders!!! There not around anymore. I look at that day more than my bellybotton birthday. Don’t celebrate this horrible life I was forced to live by two sick “adults.” He’s a drug addict and she was unhappy and an enabler. “Your Father was feeling better and it just seemed like a good idea to have a second child” What the F&^k!!!! Stupid. Horrible parents! Your on you own Simonhenry….suffer….beg and plead with “God” to have someone “help and save you.” No you’re a piece of S(*t and have no value…you’re on your own…you’ll be alone all your life and spend the most part of life “trying to fix it” when at the end of the day….it is/was/will be Hopeless…”you are Depression, Afraid, Lonely, filled with Self Hatred, Dread, Stupid, Foolish….and at this point, Ugly, Fat, Old……Filled with Anger at those people gave me life, the people who beat on me at school, neighborhood, the ones that said they’d be around and might have helped but put me out with the trash and left, the world, Gee it sounds like there isn’t any good. Should I find the positive……no……….I don’t want to be here………….I only see me here because my Nephew “needs” my help. Don’t want to hurt him, na that’s pull S(*t also….If try something and it doesn’t work it just makes everything worse….you’re treated badly and you don’t get any help that you need. “you know, there is nothing wrong with you.” Of course if you spend your whole life pretending to be a healthy adult…it all looks great. Again trying to fix it not being able to hear the words when there is all this screaming in your head. When you do hear them….”It’s Hopeless.” You see that is why everything you tried and had so much fear generated is because it was hopeless out of the box. Didn’t know that 35 yrs. ago!!!! I had two choices back then, Fix it or Off yourself….wrong choice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m tired. I wake up every day….see the day, not feeling doing anything, walk today, na down feel like it….you have to vacuum, dust, it’s been almost a month. I did clean the kitchen and bathroom last week…wow, thanks! Don’t care to much really. I just want to be home. Anyway………..This is just how it is folks. I would say I’m sorry but I’m not. I’m selfish and I just don’t buy into all the philosophies I “tried.” All the Diets, techniques, what ever worked for the people it worked for…..I tell myself that because I smoked pot when I was doing Smokenders was why it worked, discounted all the S*%t I went through and what I did to make it work and if I didn’t smoke pot I would have never have quit because…well….”It’s Hopeless”…And I say no Simonhenry you did succeed at that. They (Smokenders) never lied to me, never said that I couldn’t smoke and even said it was best to smoke that last cigarette even if I didn’t want too…glad I did…..They helped, supported and cared! Who and what in my life has ever done that? No one that I can see……Maybe having some one/thing believe in you makes a difference. I don’t believe in me, never have, don’t see it happening…I’m not on my side. So, I’m a lot of things….one of which is a “comfortable non smoker!” Thanks

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