Meet me in Montauk

Thanksgiving is approaching *sigh* I haven’t talked to my mom yet. She never says she wants to have us over….but if I don’t call early enough for her liking, I usually get a snarky text a few days or so before, inquiring if I would like to spend time with my family for the holiday or not. She never answers her phone, even when I do call, which I avoid like the plague. Guess I should text her tomorrow, since that is only means of communication she seems capable of answering….it’s always so joyful. Wish I could still use the excuse that I’m going to Dad’s this year, but he passed in 2010 and now I’m doomed to spend every holiday with her…in utter misery might I add. On the bright side, I guess it’s better her then R’s family.

My mom refuses to understand why we are not close. I could come up with a handful of reasons just off the top of my head, so her apparent inability to believe that a mother and daughter are not automatically close, boggles my mind. Were I to tell her even one good reason, she would do what she always does….cry, deny, or rage. No outcome is good, and I got tired of being the villain, so I just don’t say anything anymore. I paste on a smile when I have no other choice but to interact with her, I always breathe a huge sigh of relief when it is time to leave. R has commented multiple times about how different I am around her. I feel like it’s a marathon…how fast can we get past the small talk, eat, and run out the door… I feel like I can’t breathe around her and from beginning to end I am counting the seconds. Every doctor I’ve ever seen has noted that my mom is a toxic person to me, but I can’t cut her off the way I should. Out of some nonsensical sense of honor, I continue to let her infect my life. I think sometimes I get my ability to destroy everything from her. From a young age, it was pretty evident that she couldn’t care any less about me and that all eyes must be on her. I was always just a pawn to nab a rich husband. She sure got what she wanted, but as my father was not a very good husband, she got a lot more too. She had been dating my father for a few years when he accidentally knocked up some girl he was cheating on her with. My mom being the woman she is, was not going to come second best to anyone, so she intentionally got pregnant to one up the other woman and of course so he would continue on with his plan to marry her…it worked and here I am. She confessed all the sordid details to me, on my birthday one year, when she called me drunk from Disneyland I was 8 and didn’t really understand why my dad was so angry….I cried most of the day because she went to Disneyland without me on my birthday. They divorced when I was 4….and thank God for that. They were physically abusive to each other and the fights were traumatic enough that I remember them today, even though I was only 4 or less for every one of them. She ran off with the next rich guy she could nab and never looked back. I saw her less then a handful of times between 4 and 13, but surely that has nothing to do with why we are not close.

 Can someone good be produced by someone as reprehensible as my mother? I often wonder if having a mom that actually loved me growing up and a dad that could keep his hands to himself would have resulted in me being “normal.” Would I be happy to have a cookie cutter house, and live the suburban dream….would I be happy to just have vanilla sex with R once a week or so and go about my dull little unimportant existence? Would I be free from the torture of longing for something more…. 

I could slit my wrist and the world would continue on without me like I never even existed….but I know now what happens to the few people who’s life you have impacted, and to those you love….thanks Dad I suppose you did still have something left to teach me. Did he shoot himself just so I would be doomed to spend Thanksgiving in misery with my mom, instead of watching the Cowboys game with him, while we root for opposite teams and jump around like fools….the World will never know, but fuck you anyway Dad cause this sucks.

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