Let me share, because here with you I can. You will listen. You give me all the time in the world to delve deep into my thoughts and feelings to decipher what is really going on in my life. For this is a truly meaningful gift, and I thank you, whoever you are.
Whoever you are is really me. Or at least an aspect of myself. That is why I believe that you are all my brothers and sisters, and I really desire a relationship with you. This is why I have decided to SHARE my life and what’s going on in it. Because maybe you can relate. I believe you can at some level, because at the root of it all, we are all One. Coming from the same Source. Call it what you want, describe it how you wish. We are all drops of the same ocean. We are all the sons and daughters of God, making up the Sonship. We are all varying aspects of the expression of the Universe. Whatever we are, it is both beautiful and complex.
Anyhow, let me stop myself from staying in the safe, objective, philosophical expression of myself. I wanted this entry, and really all of my entries from this point forward, to be a forum for myself to be completely open and honest. And I welcome feedback! I really want to know if anything I write here strikes a chord with you, either positively or negatively. I want to learn from you, and I hope you find something beneficial in what I give as well.
This morning, as I was getting out of the car from being dropped off by my husband at work, I slammed the door and all I could think was how much I hated him. I was so filled with that emotion that I had to hold the tears back as I went in to my job. But not more than 30 minutes later, I found myself checking my phone to see if he had called or left me a message, feeling a fondness and, dare I say, a lovingness toward him. How is it that I could have so easily left those earlier feelings of anger and hatred for him in less than 30 minutes? Maybe to some, that is a pretty long time, and to be honest it was probably less than that but it was just around that time that he had popped into my head again after beginning to get into my daily tasks.
Lately I have been finding myself to be much more annoyed by and impatient with my husband. And then there are these moments when I feel like I want to get into it with him and argue, but it’s always over something that really does mean something to me (even if it may seem insignificant to him, like keeping the car tidy). I have come to accept at this point in my life that I am a certain way, and I would like to express those things that are meaningful to me, though at the same time I would like to also believe that I leave myself open for honest and humbling feedback because I am no better or different than anyone else who has an ego that they struggle with.
That being said, I feel that as of late I have chosen to be more vocal to my husband about the things that matter to me (in other words, what many men describe as “nagging,” which I do not buy). In my opinion, that is just an excuse for not being willing to humble yourself to being open to feedback that you may not wish to entertain, because it MIGHT actually charge you with the responsibility of OWNING that particularly unpleasant aspect of you that other people do not agree with or enjoy, but you’re too proud to relinquish it and come to a place of compromise with the other souls with which you share this world.
As a mother and a wife, this “nagging” must come to a pause because my son is now stirring in his sleep, and so I need to go help him get back to sleep. I look forward to your thoughts/stories/responses you’d like to share 🙂