[122.1] ~*Sun – 11/19/17*~

[11:21 pm]

I’m having a hard time right now. I was doing fine. I was in the tub reading my book, enjoying the story but then I put my book away and just lay in the tub for a while and started thinking of my brother who passed. I can’t believe I won’t ever hear him again. 

I’m crying! It’s all I can do. I just wish there was a way to talk to dead people to know for sure that they are indeed okay and in a better place. I think the thing with my other brother really is upsetting me and I’m putting too much into it. I just want to do right for my big bro and I’m scared that I’m making the wrong decisions. The funerals are coming and I keep rethinking about me deciding to have him buried on his own when mom first suggested to have him buried with dad and her. To me, he deserved to be on his own and not put with his parents like someone who couldn’t make it on his own but now I’m scared that maybe he would of wanted to be buried with his parents. Why does this all have to be so hard?! I’ve asked him to come see me in my dreams or something to let me know that these are the right decisions. I just don’t know anymore. My mind was set on it being the right thing but the closer we get to the day the more I doubt. Just like I still can’t really make peace with the fact that we let him go. My heart knows it was the right decision but my mind still debates on it. This is just me being selfish and wanting him to still be alive. He would of been in pain but he would of still been alive.

I miss you big bro! I just can’t stop crying right now and it’s already so late. I just gave myself a headache with all this crying. I really hope you are doing fine where ever you now are.




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