By the book.

This one goes out to all the bitches on facebook tonight who think we have to do everything by the book. In life, and parenting.

I just put toxic ass tequila in some healthy ass ginger kombuca just to throw that shit in your face, bitches. Guess what. Screen time can eat shit and die. Vegetable servings can kiss my ass. Home schooling can suck a fat dick.

I love my girls. I think they are amazing, special, unique, and inherantly wonderful beings all on their own, despite me. I dont know how, but they are. I take very minimal credit for it. My mom and I have discussed nature vs nuture so many times, and I think the parts of them that are so incredible are just the nature parts. Its who they are. The world is blessed that they have entered it. They’re little sprites bringing creative little giggles to this earth. Now.

Days like today, I think I’m doing a few things right, and several things wrong, and several things arent from me at all.

This discussion is NOT, suprisingly, about the things Im doing wrong. Ive talked about that enough and there will be plently of other times where I will talk about it again. Not tonight, satan.

We woke up on this glorious, temperate Saturday in the tropics and aired the house out while the girls watched cartoons, ate their breakfast, and I did my own quiet thing in my chair with my caffeine and my blanket. They probably watched cartoons for an hour. I relaxed and woke up slowly like we all like to on a Saturday, my kids included.

I made them lots of healthy things to eat in between episodes of MLP.

Then they played outside while I packed the car up for the beach. I had promised them we would go, actually on friday, and we did something else instead, so I made a bargain with them, and we were GOING. I wanted to go to my fave spot that we hike through the woods to get to, but they wanted to go to the regular peoples beach, with all the people and the soft sand. Fine. As we drove there, I knew I was doing it FOR THEM, completely, and i was ok with that because I’m not one of those millenialls that does everything in life solely for their kids….and lately I havent just let them choose how to spend the day (in advance) and then actually stuck to it. So off we went.

I enjoyed it too, and relished in the fact that we have these type of activities where we can all find something there that makes us happy. We have many things outside that we can do together and all be truly glad in it. We find shells and sharks teeth and fossils and we have many locales that we can do this in, and each offers a different experience, but its still something we can do TOGETHER, and also be separate from each other while there, and everyone’s having fun.

I worried a little about what other idiots on the beach would think, whenever i would be moderately far from my kids and not watching them like hawks. I had my lines already prepared in my head. “thanks for your opinion” with a fake smile.

Oh i know i wouldnt say that. “Theyre excelllent swimmers actually….we live here”.

Needs more punch.

“These kids have grown up on this fucking beach….I had them here at 5 days old (true story) Im not worried about it THANKS”

Yeah so then I realized I have to stop worrying about what other people think and just live my life and trust myself and trust my kids and STOPPPPPPP.

And I did. I usually talk myself into “stopping” all that after adjusting a bit, so this day was no different. And, big suprise, no one said anything negative to me. Just the usual, ” wow her hair is so blonde”.

We spent from about 9:30 or 10am on the beach until about 2:00 at which point we went to a friends briefly, then home. They were sunburned so I failed. But actually I wasnt that upset about it, which made me question if I failed, but ya know what, I tried, they wouldnt let me keep applying the sunblock, I didnt have any sprays, all I had was a cream lotion one, and it just didnt work out. My little one downright ran away from me and screamed every single time I tried to add sunblock and I warned her and told her she would be burned. I allowed them this opportunity to LEARN that when we dont let mommy put sunblock on, we get burned and it hurts. SO SHOOT ME. The older one listened to me at home about the consequences of evading sunblock application and I think she really learned a lesson. She wasnt even very red, just on the side of her thighs. Anyway, sometimes you have to let your kids learn lessons the hard way. We cant do everything for them.

After showers we ate and watched movies in my room (by this point its nearly 5pm) OMG MORE SCREEN TIME. listen. my kids spent the whole day at the beach running and laughing and finding shells and knew the shells names and just being outside in nature with no issues, no hand holding, no crying, no nothing. Not even any snacks really. Now you find me a kid that just runs wild like that and doesnt require snacks and coddling and shit? I dont see many. Mine are free birds man. We go outside and just go wild and dont rely on any creature comforts. They pee outside and dig holes and find bugs and dont worry about a thing. So if we unwind together with a movie (actually we watch a show together called Merlin on netflix off the BBC network and its wonderful and bascially its literature if you ask me)…..then thats fine. I hope on facebook after i put them to bed, and read this bitch going on about “my kids only get 1-3 hours of screen time per week, we only use audiobooks and podcasts”

ok. great. Why do i even allow myself to worry about this crap?? I also read, on the bookface, a local friend commenting back and forth about how her family just loves my girls- how me and my husband have “an amazing thing going”…and then the teacher chimed in that we were doing a great job and have some amazing kiddos! And I thought, theyre right! We talked about some other things on there tonight that highlighted some of my older girls finest qualities so I was really feeling like, yeah! They are great kids. So why am i sitting here questioning myself?

This other bitch posted some bogus crap about how people are always going on and on about essential oils and we should be warning people about the possible harm they can cause. BIGGEST EYE ROLL EVER….MY BRAIN IS ROLLING AROUND AS I ROLL MY EYES.

These same people also complain about the “DANGERS” of homeopathic teething remedies. GIVE ME A BREAK. If you arent educated in alternative modalities than keep your fear mongering to yourself. 

So as I pour tequilla in some kombuca, I have to ask myself why i give two shits about these comments and why I even allow my heartrate to go up when I read them?

Well, I guess because I know the surface truth about my self/life/family, I know the underground secret truths, I know the dark moments, I know the pride, I know the qualities my children posesss that others outside of us dont ever get to see (wish they did), and then I hop on social media and I get pissed, because theres so many things I want other people to know about me that they cant see, then theres so many things about myself I am fiercely hiding from others with gusto. All of that inspires some “passionate” feelings when it comes to opinions on parenting and LIFE. Fear breeds anger. Self preservation stirs up passions. Wanting other people to understand something that they cant even SEE makes you frustrated. We all feel this way and thats the same shit the idiots are feeling when they post idiotic shit on facebook. 

I dont share fuck all except pictures of my pretty babies basically 🙂 Or at least, i do NOT share my opinions on social media. Just some pictures. Cuz im delicate like that. and also smart. And also dont wanna get involved!

People probably have their opinions about my family and I’d be curious to know them except I know it would only be a half truth (and some fiction) and I really believe that the reality of our existence is so so so so much deeper and fuller than anyone could ever get a sense of. Unless we let them in. Which since he and I had children, we really havent done. Not fully. I dont think so? Its been 6 years that we’ve been these new versions of ourselves called parents and lived this entirely new life called adulthood. Before that, we…..well you cant even compare. Now its all so thick and vast and wild and fucking complicated.

I told him about my misscarriage. Did i write about that already? I was shaking when I told him. It feels better now, that he knows. But i wish we could talk about it again and I would feel even more better about it. its still complicated.

We are in a strange place, this 10 year mark. Its like we are forced to sign up for the next chapter and i myself am scared to commit to anything specifically because it feels like i would be abandoning all my childhood hopes and dreams if i dont try for them now. But theres so much i should have let go of already, and I had…but now that it seems like we are committing to the next phase, I want to make sure im getting everything i thought i would have at this point….does that make sense? Im questioning everything.

 

 

 

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