Saturday November 18th

I have a 2 day week this week. I am doing okay at my job. I feel so much more confident teaching here where I know than I did in New York. I like middle school better, and I like our system here better. I had to work today, so I didn’t get much done at my place. I am very half hearted about doing anything to it, anyway. I don’t really like it very much and don’t really care about making it “homey”. I don’t know where I want to live. Well, I do know, but my husband doesn’t want me, so it’s not currently an option. I am so very lonely. I am so alone in the world. It is hard not having anyone. I am getting a lot more used to it, though. I can’t move past wanting my husband to take me back. I can’t even think about finding someone else. I know that’s stupid of me based on the facts, but I don’t believe the facts. For whatever reason, I can’t give up on Brent taking me back. I have no real reason to believe that it might happen, but I’m not able to give up just yet. 

I bought myself a new computer today. I bought a desk top- the first one I’ve had in ages. I think I am going back to school next semester, and I prefer working on a desk top, so I thought it would be better for that. And, I am too rough on laptops and tend to break them. A desk top is much more durable. I hope I bought a good one. Who the fuck knows, though. 

I am going to just live each day, work at my job that I have and not make any changes. Go to school, come home. I am going to try to get some stuff listed on eBay. I have a ton of shit upstairs that I need to list- clothes, mostly. I don’t need much with my current lifestyle. I don’t go anywhere that requires me to be fashionable. All I want is my husband to take me back. All I want is my family to be back together. I will never be happy otherwise. I will make myself keep living. I am not going to give up on living. I will keep working and living and maybe get my principalship, maybe get a foster kid, whatever, but I can’t give up living. Brent may change his mind. If he finds someone else, then I will have a really hard time not giving up on living, but I will try to dig in and keep going. 

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