There is something wrong. I know I am mentally ill, but I realize I need a real diagnosis. Or many. And I know I haven’t had a professional diagnosis for 30 years. I thought I was okay for a few years, but I realize that I was getting all of my worth from other people. Now that I no longer have that odd but intoxicating popularity, I’m back to having to find my own worth in myself. I never figured out how to do that in the first place, and I allowed others to provide that for me, even though there was a significant part of my psyche that knew it was just coming from external validation.
Where to start. Financially it’s a struggle. And, financially, I’m SO much better off than I was even just a couple of years ago. But still, I have a $4500 deductible on my health insurance, and while my finances are better – professional mental health (indeed any health care) is honestly far outside my means.
I want to take the first step. I just have to figure out what the fuck that is.