change.

Ayato wants his cake and he wants to eat it too.

We are not together, we both knew what this was when it started. i dont want a relationship at all. i dont want to date anyone. and he’s already in a relationship. but we got into an argument today when asked me if i was still interested in dating other men. i said ‘yeah, i dont have a man’. he got angry, and a huge argument ensued when i called him out for being a hypocrite since he’s cheating on his girlfriend with me. so he called me a harlot who has “no place judging him”. so i said “why would you get so angry at the truth? you don’t get to cheat on your girlfriend (even if she’s a major bitch its still your fault since you refuse to break up with her) and make me yours. I took you home, I fucked you, I made you weak, and now that im laughing at you you’re angry because i dont want you?” i told him if what he wants is a girl who will be exclusive with him, then maybe he should stick to dating his girlfriend. he got PISSED OFF when i said that and stormed out. i guess i hit a nerve because ive never seen him angry before and he was fuming.

i really dont fucking care. i dont care if his girlfriend finds out. i dont care if he started to develop feelings. i dont care if he’s angry. i dont care if im worse. i dont care if im to blame. i couldn’t give a shit if i tried. the sex is amazing, it makes me feel alive. but other than that i feel like if im on fire, i dont feel anything genuinely good. i feel like im in mental pain, and im just going through the motions. its no coincidence that we both ended up getting involved like this. ayato is seriously depressed, im seriously depressed, we became friends over our love of drinking, sexual tension happened, we acted on it. he cheats on his girlfriend because she’s a bitch, he doesn’t love her, she had a miscarriage months ago and he feels pressured to be with her and doesn’t want to deal with the guilt of breaking up with her. i fucked him because he was gorgeous, and yet i still close my eyes and pretend he’s ashton. 

i just feel so fucked. and we’re both depressed. and we both use each other to get something out of each other that we can’t have. and we’ve probably hit our limit. and it was only due to passion and loneliness. 

and then i started to feel guilty for telling him all of those mean things, im equally responsible for seeking his affection. i called him but he’s not taking my calls or texts. and i started to drink and cut myself. it just feels so good. 

and its at these low moments when i can see the change in me. 

i can see how badly what ashton did to me fucked me up. and i dont know what to do. i dont want to talk to anyone. i dont want them to judge me. i dont want them to think im crazy, i dont want them to pity me for my depression. i dont know what im doing. i feel pain and then i feel nothing and then i feel loneliness and then ayato makes me feel alive and then he leaves and i return to being haunted by my depression. the worst part is that i dont try to fight it anymore. i just want to fucking lay down and let it consume me. 

blow me away. 

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