I got to spend the afternoon with both kids and my mother. When Bethany and Mother left, I went to Brent’s with Noah. I sat on the sofa with Brent- fairly close to him and talked to him for a good while. He had to go meet someone to sell some bourbon, but then he and Noah and I went to dinner after. I do feel like we are getting closer. I do feel like I am making progress with him. Maybe it is just wishful thinking, but I do think he is a little more accepting of me. It’s so hard for me not to touch him when I am so close to him. It takes a lot of self-control. He doesn’t look at me a lot. I look at him, but there’s not a lot of eye contact. Some, but not a lot. I have no alternative but to keep trying. It’s so hard for me to accept this situation. It makes no sense to me. He is alone, I am alone, I love him, I am the mother of his children, I have a lot of good things going for me- I have a good job with good retirment, I’m smart, I’m the same weight I was when we were dating 20 years ago, I mean, most people wouldn’t believe that he was rejecting me. I know if he would just let down his guard and let us be together, we would be so happy together. All I can do is keep trying.
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 48 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."