134 – 3 entries

11/9 Nap time. After lunch sucks.  I’m so sleepy.  I just want to close my eyes for 5 minutes. But can’t do that. I’ll have my afternoon coffee, but I try to hold out until about 2 PM. Otherwise the afternoon is just too long.  I’m going to try to leave a couple of hours early tomorrow.  The kids don’t have school because of Veterans’ Day. I want to spend a little bit of daylight time with them. With the earlier sunset comes an increase in my anxiety level. I just strongly dislike going home in the dark. And leaving my kids home alone is even worse.  So I can probably leave here about 2:30 tomorrow. H gets home tomorrow night. Late. So basically another day and a half to go. 

11/15 I am doing nothing. Almost nothing. I’m making it look like I am working. I’m feeling low at the moment. H is agitated about money again. And I want to quit my job again. I feel sleepy. Probably this depression that is weighing me down. I could just close my eyes and sleep. The sun is shining now. It was very grey on the drive in.  I have to go out at lunchtime so I can catch a few of those feel-good rays.  It is cold. Starting to feel like winter here. I am grateful for the changes in seasons. I didn’t always love the lead up to winter. But I’ve grow to appreciate it. It is necessary.  

11/20 I want to be focused on work. But I can’t. I’m blocked. Is it simply my disinterest? My ADD? What is it? I’ve been questioning myself about my lack of focus for my entire life it seems. I’m tired. Physically and mentally. Just exhausted. I’m also highly menopausal.  I don’t like myself much right now. I love myself. But I don’t particularly like myself. I seem to be angry over everything. I resorted to taking a pinch of the herbs this morning. Not really feeling any difference.  Maybe it’s just subtle enough.  I feel ok.  Sleepy. But that’s nothing new.

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