Anxiety.

I put a fan in front of my bedroom door at night. That way, if someone broke in and tried to open my door, it would hit the fan and wake me up – Assuming of course that I was lucky enough to fall asleep that night. Last night I had a dream someone tried to rape me. I ripped their hand off of my shoulder and woke myself up in a panic because I had actually grabbed my shoulder so hard that I left scratch marks from my nails. That was it for me, I was up the rest of the night, afraid to fall asleep again. Today would have marked 5 years with my employer, had I not become disabled following my surgery. It also sparked feelings of sorts and left me fending off anxiety attacks all day. I did my best to acknowledge the good – a yummy coffee creamer I bought, watching a good show, my favorite song coming on and getting to see my mom this evening. My Mom said I was out of control tonight – as in frantic and emotional because I haven’t been sleeping. I hate when she says things like that… I know. I’m not trying to be a mess of sorts but can you blame me? In five days, I am lucky to have slept a total of 3ish hours a night in the form of short naps here and there. Combine that with being so stiff I can barely move and pain that no one knows how to control and yeah, I’m a mess. I’m sorry. I know she is sympathetic and isn’t meaning to be cruel, I just don’t think she realizes that it hurts me. It makes me feel like I need to curl up in my turtle shell and either not leave the house or only do so if I’m capable of faking the happy face that day… Life is exhausting. 

2 thoughts on “Anxiety.”

  1. So sorry you’re having these terrible nightmares! You’re not alone!! A few nights ago I had a similar experience. In my dream there was a demon who was trying to drag me away, my sister was in my bed with me in this dream and we both started praying (I’m not religious) but anyways the thing grabbed my calf and eventually the prayer scared it off. I woke up to an echoing scream and felt like someone had grabbed my calf really hard. The feeling lingered for about half an hour…I’ve had numerous experiences like this. But just know its not just you, maybe you have some unresolved feelings or trauma…I feel you on your moms reaction. Sometimes people don’t know what to say but there’s no need to blame yourself. I hope you can find healing. Try to go for walks or draw whenever you feel all this anxiety? it sometimes helps me sleep a little better…Much love and healing to you!

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