I put a fan in front of my bedroom door at night. That way, if someone broke in and tried to open my door, it would hit the fan and wake me up – Assuming of course that I was lucky enough to fall asleep that night. Last night I had a dream someone tried to rape me. I ripped their hand off of my shoulder and woke myself up in a panic because I had actually grabbed my shoulder so hard that I left scratch marks from my nails. That was it for me, I was up the rest of the night, afraid to fall asleep again. Today would have marked 5 years with my employer, had I not become disabled following my surgery. It also sparked feelings of sorts and left me fending off anxiety attacks all day. I did my best to acknowledge the good – a yummy coffee creamer I bought, watching a good show, my favorite song coming on and getting to see my mom this evening. My Mom said I was out of control tonight – as in frantic and emotional because I haven’t been sleeping. I hate when she says things like that… I know. I’m not trying to be a mess of sorts but can you blame me? In five days, I am lucky to have slept a total of 3ish hours a night in the form of short naps here and there. Combine that with being so stiff I can barely move and pain that no one knows how to control and yeah, I’m a mess. I’m sorry. I know she is sympathetic and isn’t meaning to be cruel, I just don’t think she realizes that it hurts me. It makes me feel like I need to curl up in my turtle shell and either not leave the house or only do so if I’m capable of faking the happy face that day… Life is exhausting.