It’s Thanksgiving week and we have returned to our “normal”, good normal. A month ago, or two months ago I would have told you that we would have turned out lives upside down and our so-called traditional or historical Thanksgiving would be off this year or we would have learned to adapt to a new kind of Thanksgiving. But we are back and we are going to do what we do every year: we are going to my family’s cabin in the Smoky Mountains. We’ll drive down on the actual holiday itself, on Thursday, as there is almost no traffic. I make up all the usual Tgiving meal in advance and I layer the cooked turkey, stuffing, corn, mashed potatoes in a disposable pan and bake it. Served with gravy and voila: Thanksgiving dinner.
We’ll hike, we’ll see waterfalls, we’ll go to the little tourist town and people watch. Ergo we will be just as we have always been. Or will we? As pointed out in earlier journals, our old relationship had to die. The old Bruce was replaced with a new Bruce, one who is here and present all the time, not off inside my head in some perverted fantasy world. And I no longer “escape” into porn or online personals. I just don’t. I’ve been clean for 4 and a half months with no acting out. My therapist is right: as long as my marriage is sound, which means tender and loving, physical and spiritual and filled with all definitions of intimacy and we talk openly about everything including awkward subjects, I will not need to act out in my addiction.
This week I pray for my wife, and I pray to continue to overcome my ego. I need to overcome my sensitive little feelings that get hurt and pouty with such ease. I pray to stop and think before I speak or react. As for my lovely wife? Cancer survivor numerous times. Most recently summer of 2016 we battled her tongue cancer. It was awful, but I was her only caregiver and we got through it together. She just had another piece of her tongue cut out for biopsy. Yes, another spot. The outcome is yet unknown. Why? Why must we face another trial when we are barely healed from the last tongue squamous cancer and while we are just healing emotionally and sexually and spiritually? I pray for the strength for her and for me, to get each other through this episode as we have the others.
As for my ego and anger issues: Anger and compassion cannot coexist. So if I empower my compassion, there will be no place for anger to live.