I went to school and worked a little this morning. I got papers graded and my bookshelves fixed and took that stupid, nonworking paper towel dispenser/dust collector off the wall. I was feeling super depressed driving back home from my mother’s house yesterday. Suicide thoughts the whole time. I hate myself so much and really hate myself for so many of the things I’ve done over the years, it makes me feel like there’s no other option but to just end it all. I am talking about all of this theoretically, really, I am going to keep pushing forward for now. I do think about my dog and my cat and I think I can keep going for the rest of their lives. They love me (maybe) even if no one else gives a shit about me, they need me, anyway. I do think my mother is really trying to mend fences with me. I do appreciate it. Maybe her cancer scare and me moving away for a while helped her to see things differently. Something is different. I can’t believe I used to fantasize about living alone in a cabin in the woods with no one around but my animals. Now I am kind of in that situation- no one but my animals, and I am so very sorry that I ever let my husband go. I have spent most of my life- since around age 14 wishing I could have a do-over. I understand that’s not actually possible, but that doesn’t stop me from daydreaming about it.
I pulled the trigger and made application for school next semester. I have several things I need to do in order to be “admitted”. I guess I need to start working on that.