a shouting match in the dark.

campus is so empty, so many people went home for the break. 
i was suppose to go home, but i decided against it. 
my parents did call me and wish me a good thanksgiving, i faked like i was having a great time over here. they seemed relieved, my mom seemed content by the end of the phone call. 
but i feel like i cant get a hold of my own mind. 
ayato and i got into a huge argument yesterday, we were hanging out with some friends, and we got really drunk. ayato was going way over his limits. then he wanted to fight another guy at the party, he was being violent and just ruining everything, then he got into a fight with that guy, it was so bad that it took 4 guys to separate them. then i got angry at him for being so stupid. i called an uber to pick us up because i knew i had to take him home. he got angry because they pulled him off the guy, and instead of waiting with me for the uber he started walking on his own, and being completely fucking belligerent. then i walked after him and he got angry and shoved me away, we started screaming at each other in the dark, in the middle of the road, desolate with no houses in this direction because we were up in the hill. just a fucking circus. i asked him why he was being such a fucking idiot. he told me to stop being a fucking bitch with him. a shouting match in the dark. 

i started to cry. because i felt so angry. i sat down on the edge of the road and had my drunk white girl cry. lol. ayato walked off, but he was completely shit faced so he couldn’t actually walk off. lol. he just stumbled and sat down away from me. the uber picked us up and i took ayato home with me. his fists were bleeding from the fight, and we were both all dirty like if we were a couple of idiots shouting and stumbling in the dark. Ha. 

i could see how unhappy he was, his eyes gave it away. i felt bad in that moment, particularly bad. so i cleaned up his bloody knuckles and i kissed him, hugged him, gave him some sweetness, and he melted into my arms. the funny thing is that despite all the sex we’ve had, that was the first time we ever shared an intimate moment, both covered in dirt, drunk, and cleaning up his wound in my kitchen table of all places and times. i had never really held him like that before, or looked at him, i always closed my eyes and pretended he was ashton. he would look at me though, but i couldn’t stand it. fucking poetic justice. 

i was drunk, but ayato was completely fucking gone. he passed out before i could move him to the bed. so he knocked out on my couch. when i woke up this morning, he was already gone. the crazy part is how weird things are getting between us.  last night he told me that he has fallen in love with me, but how much of that is the alcohol talking? the whole point of our ‘relationship’ was to use each other without having to deal with the relationship bullshit. fuck my life.

im done. 

im seriously fucking done.

im worn out, i have nothing left. 

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