Learning to trust again ;

Last night was a rough night .. last night marked 8 weeks of me and my boyfriend being together since day one .. and my anxiety took me over board to a place I should never have let myself go .. but I did .. I’m ashamed of myself for letting it take control of me . 

Trust is a big issue for me as my 8 year long relationship ended with no trust at all .. it ended with emotional abuse and severe heart ache .. it ended with finding out that it was never actually true love .. it was just another 8 years wasted of my not so perfect life .. I left with my kids .. no dignity or no pride left in me .. and I’ve been working on fixing that about myself bit damn it’s hard !! 

Lastnight my boyfriend when to a benefit and I knew he wasint coming home to me , and he was just staying at his mothers .. I knew that and I knew he loved me and would never ever think of hurting me .. I know that I’m my heart! But my head led me to think something different . My anxiety got so severe o kept thinking what if he calls her ? What if he sees what life is like without me and the kids again? And what if he likes it more then us .. I know all this stuff isint true but that’s what kept playing over and over and it’s sad .. I feel horrible for letting a past relationship take me that far away from being myself .. I was not myself last night not at all .. I know he would never hurt me and I know he would never hurt us because us is perfect .. we are perfect together! I’ve never been happier with anybody else on this planet .. me makes me smile when I don’t even feel like smiling and he knows how to make my heart race by just touching me .. it’s scary but it’s perfect and like I said we are perfect . 

Baby if you ready this I’m sorry .. I’m sorry I let myself fade into my distant self .. I never want you to think I don’t trust you .. your an amazing father , man , son , brother and most of all your an amazing boy friend that I never want to loose !! I’m Sorry for hurting you last night it wasint my intentions at all .. my only intention from here on out is being yours and trusting you with everything we face in life together , because your my rock and I wanna be yours .. I don’t want to crumble anymore ! 

I’m done crumbling over the past .. from today on we look forward to the future and let go of the past .. and that goes out to anyone out there struggling with the same bullshit I deal with , don’t let your anxiety break you .. your life is not worth ruining ! Look up because there’s a whole sky up there people ❤👌

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