26 NOV 2017

Well it’s been only 3 months and all seemed fine. My mother called and said I need to come back to the states for Christmas. I ‘argued’ with her and told her I wouldn’t be able to, she was wanting to buy my ticket. Even then I just couldn’t, theres nothing for me back in the states now. The ‘argument’ was going in my favor, I would be saving money, work needed me, and my leave days would go down, until she told me her real reason. My sister was beat up by her boyfriend. I’ll be going back mid December now. It was friday the 24th that i was talking with my mom and she said something odd. She asked if you ever contacted me since we last spoke… No mother and she wan’t on my mind. I then got the typical mom lecture about soulmates and blah blah blah. This doesn’t help bring home a piece of my heart. The part I was trying to bury under work, school, and in general life has now managed to resurface and is reminding me for the past few days that it’s away from me. Great. That smile, the carefree banter, beautiful mind, I’d rather not go down this road but I can’t divert my attention and thoughts.

Oh, I’m another year older, who cares? lol most pointless day in the calendar I believe. whats so special about 99.999% of peoples births that they need be celebrated yearly? Christmas? good to go. My birthday? meaningless. I digress again… (end rant?)

So I’m here yet again 3800 miles away writing for someone I may never even see. 

side note: I just got a text from a friend saying “we carswimming?” oh my thank you for your puns.

We will see how this spiral down goes, and how I am when I come out on top. So my Thoughts, yes, you are still in them and have been. Others seem on a different level than you. That dress, how I would have loved to dance with you in the moon, just to part ways. I can’t understand how I so much want from someone to just enjoy their presence. It seems quite pitiful since the feeling is not returned. I’m still curious what ‘blue’, wait ‘light blue’ outfit you had in mind for my tour around town. I think that I was to pushy in trying to see you again. I think that I messed up my chance of that one more day I feel I so desperately needed to figure these feelings out. I don’t want to know if you’ve found someone, i don’t want that defeat. I would rather be ignorant to this knowledge. Six minutes till work, I will be back again to finish these thoughts, it helps me move and forget this beacon to the missing part of my heart.

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