It doesn’t matter what you feel logically, your heart defies it. 

You know what’s right. You know what you deserve. Still, sleepless nights and tear stained pillows fill your space. Pleas to God to help you, to embrace you and make it stop. You’re so tired of sadness. Of hurt and disappointment. Of longing, existing only because you have to. 

I called this person the love of my life and I meant it. It doesn’t matter what he actually felt or did behind my back, the only thing that matters now is that I gave everything. My soul, my heart, my future-I blindly gave it to someone who didn’t want it. 

Now all that’s left is emptiness into a free fall of uncertainty. It makes me so sick to think about everything that was done to me, how disgusted I feel in myself for still crying, still allowing this to break me. How weak I am. I hate myself for it.

Nights are the worst. Lying alone thinking about the memories that surround this place. The people that I welcomed here. None of them cared about me. The lies and empty promises that lived here. Being so emotional after feeling his love that I cried like an idiot. I’m an idiot.

How do you get over a love that you never truly had? How do you move on from something that you saw as yours, but never was? How do you put yourself together again after surrendering, completely, to someone who you never truly mattered to? Do they believe the lies? Do they see what I see? Does it matter?

A huge part of my soul and heart are shattered. My innocence and desire to love and believe in love is gone. Even when I meet someone else, it just won’t be the same. That giddy, free spirited surrender that I felt the first time we danced, kissed, embraced- it will never be in my reach again. You’ve killed that in me.

Maybe that’s the worst part.

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